A Yogi Valentine's

Since I first practiced yoga about 20 years ago, I knew it was something I believed in.  I wasn't quite sure why, but I knew.  Since then, I've practiced, read, researched, and completed my 200-hour teacher training... and I now teach, continue to practice, and continue to learn with training, reading, researching, and reflection. I still know very little, but I have a little bit of understanding about why I believe in yoga.

Valentine's Day has been a special time for me for many years.  As I've written in a previous blog post, Presence for Presents, it wasn't always.  I once rolled my eyes at all the stereotypical romance promoted for this day of love.  But I live in the 'love world' - that's what I call it - and that means love comes in many forms.

I'm that kind of person who finds joy in small things.  I always connected to nature.  I was told a young child told his mother that, "Tina is always smiling."  Of course, that was from a young child's perspective - I wasn't always smiling!  But, I was that person who generally lived in love... without trying and without knowing it.  Even in the workplace, I used love as a tool.  As a leader of a team, I did my best to use compassion in times of uncertainty or help me manage a difficult situation or empower my team.  I also turned to love when I didn't know what else to do.  I didn't really have a clue how to be a parent at 23 years old and single... so I decided I will simply love my daughter with every cell of my body and mind, and at least she would know love.  That couldn't be a bad thing, right?

This was the love world I lived in.  However, I was often (very often) without romantic love.  From others' perspectives, I didn't have much either.  I struggled financially.  I did not travel much.  I lived with my parents for several years until I could save a downpayment for a house.  I was rarely adorned with gifts at times like Valentine's Day.  I was single a lot.  I was often questioned about my single-dom and received looks of pity.  My response to this was usually that I loved my life as it was.

There were times over the years when I lost my sense of the love world.  If I go back and reflect on those times, I would probably see that every single time, I lost a sense of myself.  I forgot who I was. I disconnected from myself - the true source of love.

THIS is true love.  Romantic love is fabulous, and I'm grateful I have a wonderful husband to share that with (who DOES adorn me with presents and presence).  There probably isn't a better feeling in the world than the love a parent has for their children.  And I'm grateful I'm lucky to have the privilege to experience that love... and receive a child's love back in return.

But... I've come to learn that these things, as important as they are to me... are not where true love lies.  They could disappear.  Depending on them as a source of happiness is seeking love externally.

My source of happiness, I have learned over the years, is finding love for me.  That does not mean I need to pamper myself in the way many ads portray self-love.  Rather, for me, that means an unconditional acceptance of myself.  Really, you can get a weekly massage and a daily bath and take time to do all the things you love, and if you don't have complete self-acceptance, you still do not have self-love.

My Valentine's Day is every day.  Love is a practice.  If we cannot find love within ourselves, the external sources of love will never satisfy us.  We will always feel like we are seeking love.  Love and acceptance of ourselves is sometimes difficult, but like I tell my students, when you can become friends with all parts of yourself, the things you like and do not like, you can experience love... and then, and only then, can you spread it around.

As a yogi, I practice love everyday (practice meaning I'm not always successful).  However, I also love Valentine's Day and I definitely do chocolate and special activities.  Do these things make me happy?  Of course! The difference is that I practice not depending on them for my happiness.

"Only love of the absolute, eternal truth is the greatest."  ~ Naradi Bhakti Sutras 1.81

<3

Why Bother to Celebrate the Holidays?

I don't have cable TV to watch news broadcasts. I don't read the newspapers.  I avoid getting involved in social media complaining and bullying. I choose my news by searching online. If I can do something about a situation or I am curious, I may read more, listen more, do more. If I cannot, I will continue to be informed by choosing to read what I wish without being bombarded with negative news. However, I still see it and feel it.

We are surrounded by so many horrible world and local events.  People are starving.  People are dying.  People are fleeing from their countries in fear.  War is erupting.  Hatred, racism, and bullying pepper social media.  Suicide rates are on the rise.  Layoffs are rising.  Taxes are increasing.

It seems a bit selfish and naive to celebrate Christmas - or whatever other holiday you celebrate this time of year.  Even Pope Francis said celebrating Christmas when the world is full of hatred is a 'charade'.

So I had to think about why I celebrate... if I will... and if I do...  how?

I am celebrating Christmas.  Actually, I was raised Christian and now I believe in many things so I don't really consider myself 'Christian'.  I believe in love and peace, though.  And for me, that's the key for celebrating Christmas.

I believe that love and peace begins with yourself and spreads to those close to you... who then spread it to those close to them... and on and on with the ripple effect.  Social media has been wonderful at this.  I see that someone has done something wonderful, and I get inspired to either join them or do something else kind.  

So I believe that celebrating the holidays is more important now... in these times of turmoil.  I think it is also important to bring love and peace to the celebrations.  I will give presents.  I will have some holiday 'spirits' at parties.  I will smile.  I will share.  I will hug.  I will laugh.  I will find compassion. 

I will not complain because the photo machine is broken and there is a long line-up of people waiting to print photos.  I will not frown at the cashier in the supermarket who is working overtime in order for us to have fancy food on our tables for the celebrating.  I will not bi**h at the drivers who are butting in front of me trying to get to their destination faster.  

I will show my children how to love and live in peace.  I will demonstrate to them that kindness and compassion can change a person's day... life... including your own.

We will sing and dance because it is uplifting and maybe it will bring joy to others.  We will bring that uplifting spirit to others through our energy and smiles and conversation.

We will have a delicious Christmas dinner with a dozen or so people around the table because we are investing in being with and sharing with our family.  We will also spend a day cooking and serving food for those in need.

We will open presents on Christmas morning because it is a tradition, it brings joy, and it demonstrates giving.  We will also give presents to others in the form of purchased items, homemade items, and time.... some of those others we do not know but know they are in need. Some of those we know and know they are in need.  Some of those we know and know they are not in need but we are simply spreading joy and giving our presence.

A letter to Santa was sent.  It included asking for items for others in addition to a request for something special.

We will clean the house and put up a tree and decorate.  We will have a few special items in the pantry for treats.  We will also meditate and breathe and invest in our wellness during the 'hectic' days.  We will not make the holidays about having the perfect house, rather create a celebratory and loving environment.

I realize not everyone shares in my enthusiasm for celebrating the holidays.  I realize the holidays bring sadness and strife to many.  I will help those people when and if I can, and I will be mindful that we all have different experiences and not to assume anything.  I feel it is my responsibility to live the fullest life I can, and if I have been blessed with a good life, isn't it right to celebrate that?  Both by being the love I want to see in the world and by sharing it with others?

I'm celebrating the holidays because not celebrating is stopping the spread of love and peace.  And our world needs love and compassion now more than ever.

Merry Christmas!  Here's to spreading Christmas spirit <3 

Why We Opt Out of Self-Care

"Take care of yourself first."

"If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of others." 

"Focusing on self-care changed my life."

"Take time for you."

"Self-care is self-love."

Have you heard any of these things or anything similar? We all believe them.  We all agree.  But why don't we follow this advice?

Well, some do.  And they got it.  They have found their balance... until tomorrow when things change and they have to find a new balance.  Some will fall over then.  But some continue to find a new balance each day, riding the oscillations of life.  They may not need to read this post... of course in mindfulness, we are always curious and approach things with a beginner's mind, so maybe they will anyway:)  

Others continue to do their best... sometimes taking a walk in nature... sometimes drinking lots of water... sometimes eating healthy.... sometimes being very prepared for each day... sometimes getting enough sleep... sometimes exercising regularly... sometimes meditating.  That kind of describes me... the 'sometimes' girl.

Here's some of the good news... This is OK.  Because life is a roller coaster.  Life is not about staying the same each day.  Nothing is constant but change.

We find something that works, and then we have a month of kids' concerts, and work deadlines, and maybe the seasonal flu goes through your entire family.  And you feel like you've lost it.  You spend so much time caring for everyone else and barely getting enough sleep that you have lost your self-care.... and self-loathing may even seep in.

What if I told you caring for others CAN be self-care.

It's about how you approach it all in your mind.  When we have a lot on our plates... kids, jobs, activities, wellness, special occasions, etc., etc., etc.... we tend to let our self-care activities and attitudes go and then stress about letting them go.  This stress causes suffering, and this suffering heightens our lack of 'self-care'.  Yeah... beating yourself up about not taking care of yourself results in taking even less care of yourself.  It's called 'feeling bad about feeling bad' in my mindfulness training.

However, what if taking your kid to her soccer game was part of your self-care?  What if cooking supper for your family was part of taking care of yourself?  What if meeting a work deadline was a piece of fulfilling your passion, hence self-care?  

So many of my coaching clients get caught up in the busy-ness of life and create the idea that, 'I don't have time for self-care'... hence, are not self-loving... which just results in a spiral downwards. This is the advice I give to them (if they want advice).  Your life is full of your choices.  Lots of things are not in your control, but you can choose how you perceive them.  You may choose to dislike the fact your kids activities or work deadlines are taking you away from the gym or your time cooking a gorgeous supper from 'Oh She Glows'... or you can choose to like the fact that you value giving your kids these opportunities or you value putting your full energy into your work that you love or you value giving others your attention. 

This IS self-care.  

When you are behaving aligned with your values, you are caring for yourself. I'm not saying eat crap and never exercise.  When I ask a room full of people at my workshops what they value, pretty much everyone says family and health.  So, physical care (and mental and emotional care) is part of self-care because it pretty much always is a personal value.  But when you stop expending so much energy on beating yourself up for not going to an exercise class or not having enough time to cook a good supper or having to take care of your family so you cannot attend a weekend retreat... you then have more energy to be physically healthy and you will enjoy (or at least find contentment) in all the activities and deadlines that you believe are taking you away from your wellness... because they are actually part of your whole wellness.  How you treat your mind and how you manage your emotions are part of your self-care.

So the key to self-care is being aligned with your values and knowing it.  Knowing it and finding joy in it.  Understanding your attitudes and managing them.  When life gets busy, taking on an extra fitness class may not be the answer, but changing your mindset can change everything (and just may allow you to take on that extra fitness class:).

If you DO have time to attend a retreat and tend to yourself a little this Nov. 20-22, check out Tina's Unleash Your Creative Spirit Retreat in Ochre Pit Cove, NL (1hr, 45 mins from St. John's).

If you'd like to realign yourself with your values, check out the next workshop on Re-Creating Your Vision on January 14th, 2016, in St. John's, NL.

Life's Worth

My mother-in-law passed away last week.  Everyone experiences this kind of loss at some point.  It is never easy.  But I have to believe the difficulties life brings are worth something.

After a four year struggle and many near death experiences, she lay in her hospital bed for over three months.  We noticed her decline on every visit.  She was in pain.  She eventually did not get out of bed.  She eventually accepted her fate.  She did not go home again. She slowly lost interest in all things that brought her happiness.

But...

Her eyes smiled when her 4-year old granddaughter jumped into the hospital bed with her - the last time being two days before she died.  As time passed, her feeble arms getting weaker, she continued to share food - dessert usually - with the little girl that brought her joy.  On every good-bye with her children and their spouses, she said, "Loves ya!"  The nurses were always "some nice."  She was present even when she was tired, until she fell asleep.  She befriended her roommates when she could.  She exuded love even as her body deteriorated and she could no longer take part in this thing we call life.  She had birthday cards for her loved ones until the very end.  She gave.  She loved.

Some say her life wasn't worth living in the end.  She was in a great deal of pain.  I want to believe it was worth living.  I want to believe her final days were worth something.  I want to believe she felt loved and enjoyed something out of the final time she spent here on earth... and it meant something.

I wonder if the worthiness had nothing to do with her own life and everything to do with everyone else's.  She touched people's hearts.  She was adored.  Because she was a decent human being. She put others before herself.  Always.  She is an example to the human race.  She accepted life as it came.  She never judged others.  She gave whenever she could.  She gave extra attention to those who needed it, to those who were down on their luck, to those who others may not have given the same attention.  She was happy.  She was content.  She continued to love even when she was in a great deal of pain.  She continued to bring a smile to others' faces.  She continued to bring her family and friends joy.

She had many visitors in that hospital.  My daughter pranced the halls and played tea party with the ladies who were deteriorating with dementia.  Her visitors were often jovial.  Her daughters helped the staff.  Maybe the worth was there.

Peace quickly came upon her when it was time.  Her children surrounded her.  You could not express the love in that room during those minutes.  Everyone was one.  Any differences of opinion or belief did not matter.  There was a tiny moment, a glimpse, of pure love.  Nothing mattered. Nothing at all except peace.

Impact.  That is what she did.  She made an impact.  She did not try to make an impact.  She did not purposely set out to find her purpose and fulfill it.  She just did.  She was authentic and simply took on whatever crossed her path.  She never announced her successes or difficulties.  She did not desire for things to be different or to stay the same.  I am sure at times she had desires, but they did not stand in the way of her contentment.  She loved her community, her friends, her family, and her life. And she influenced how others live their lives.  Her legacy will live on. People will remember her kindness and it will influence their actions.

Even in the end, when pain overcame her, her life was worth something.  She was in pain, but her suffering was limited.  Because she accepted life as it was presented.

And that is the most worth a life could have.

Why Meditation is Important for Being Mindful

I have spoken to or taught many groups about mindful living, mindfulness in the workplace, meditation, and mindful leadership.  Something common to all participants is that most are not willing to begin a practice of meditation any time soon.

Even after a 4-hour workshop, I ask how many people will begin a meditation practice, and most people say they think it's a good practice but they don't think they will begin one (and the many excuses begin).  I offer a free 30-day meditation challenge, and typically about 25% of the participants open most or all emails.

Why is this?

Well, meditation is a habit, like anything else.  It's difficult to quit sugar, begin an exercise program, or consistently take five minutes at the beginning of your work day to plan the day... when these habits are not already habits.  So it is not surprising that taking on a meditation habit is just as difficult.

The other thing I have found interesting is that many people feel they are already mindful.  They feel happy and content enough and do not think they need to meditate because they already 'got it'.  And maybe they do already 'have it'.  In some cases, though, these same people complain, are too busy to spend time with loved ones, are not living the life they want, or live in chaos.  Often, they are operating on autopilot.  The problem is that they do not know it and society is such that this has become the norm.

A runner does not run a marathon without training.  A hockey player does not make it to the NHL or even the community recreational team without practicing skating and shooting skills.  A guitar player does not make the band without practice.

AND.... a mindful person does not become mindful without practicing.

Here's the thing.  Mindfulness IS a practice.  You don't learn it from reading a book or watching a movie or listening to a speaker.  It is learned from your own personal practice, and it is unique to you.  It is experiential. There is no other way to learn it.  And it is a life long way of being.  You don't learn it, put the book down, and then be it.  Mindfulness is the practice itself.

There are a variety of ways to practice, of course, such as yoga, tai chi, journaling, or meditation.  Yoga is actually a form of meditation.  It means unity of mind and body.  The physical aspect of yoga is really a preparation for meditation.  Tai chi is similar.  It is meditation in movement.  Journaling is really a journey into your mind, so, in my opinion, it is a form of meditation as well.

There are many forms of meditation itself - mindfulness meditation being one of them.  It develops mindfulness skills.  Mindfulness meditation trains your brain to become aware of moments, of what is happening, how you are feeling, what the impact of your words or actions are, or how others are responding and feeling.  Mindfulness meditation develops concentration and insight.

Trying to live mindfully without meditating.... well... it is akin to running a marathon without training.  It wouldn't go so well.  You likely would not make it.  Your muscles and heart would not be able to support that distance.  If you tried, your heart will be stressed and you may injure yourself.  This is like saying you are mindful without having a practice.  Your mindful muscles cannot support it because they are not trained to do so.  Hence, the result may be stress, lack of focus, disharmony, and potentially injured relationships.

So we practice.  We meditate.

Mindful meditation does not always feel blissful, although it can.  When we meditate, we dive into all the layers that have covered up our true selves.  We do not always like what we discover.  But mindful meditation helps us become friends with all the things we like and all the things we do not like.  That practice helps us be truly mindful.

Without meditation, you cannot discover these parts of yourself.

Even with practice, though, being mindful does not mean being perfect.  In fact, we begin to see ourselves more clearly as we explore and investigate, and we realize our imperfections.  It is when we can see these, accept them, and continue on the path of mindfulness that we find perfection.  When we are mindful, we continue to make mistakes.  We continue to react when we'd rather respond.  We continue to have human emotions such as jealousy, resentment, and unworthiness.  However, when we are truly mindful, and we meditate, we have tools to become aware of these things and allow them to pass.  We will always have 'imperfections'.  Perfection is in our attitudes and responses and ability to be peaceful in the most chaotic situations.

Meditation is the tool for doing all of this.