The Importance of Leaders Not Leading

Last weekend, I spent time with a group of amazing women. They are friends.  They are colleagues. They are part of my tribe.  I do not have another group that lifts me up they way these people do. For a few years, we all worked together - all passionate about improving workplaces through Human Relations and wellness and leadership.  These women inspired me, challenged me, and brought me joy.

My role was to lead the team.  And by that, I mean I coached a group of people to be the best they can be.

I had supervised and managed people before this team, but this was probably the first REAL leadership position I had... or at least the one in which I truly learned what leadership was.

I reminded myself daily of my role - to lead, to inspire, to positively influence, to listen, to care, to provide the space to allow my team members to grow, to provide tools and boundaries and clarifications, to lift the team up, to honor individuality, to influence creativity.. the list goes on, and at the bottom of the list was to manage the $4 million budget, evaluate results, and write reports. Those tasks were important, but those tasks were management tasks.  Without being a leader, leading the team, cultivating a culture... the project would not have been as successful.

My role as leader was to create leaders.  I hired them for their minds... for their attitudes... for their openness.  Of course, they needed to have certain skills, but I trained them in the skills they did not have.  And following this idea, the team performed in amazing ways.  The project was super successful, and it continues to be talked about as an example of excellence in HR, leadership, and team management.

I thought I did a pretty good job.  But, leadership is not a one person job.

My journey as a leader was one of self growth.  I learned a lot about myself.  I was far from perfect.  I made mistakes.  It was the people in the team that made it happen.  I was part of that.  I was not that.

Six years have passed since this project ended.  I reflect on it at times, and I believe the most important success factor was mind fitness.

Mind fitness is emotional intelligence, openness, mindfulness, and an acknowledgement that you are human and you are the same as everyone else, that you are learning and growing just like everyone else.  Mind fitness is the ability to be stable in the highs and lows, but to acknowledge that there are highs and lows.

I liken a Mind Fit Leader to a Warrior.  The Warrior is courageous.  Courage means understanding your fears and learning how to manage them, and move through life and work with them.  A Warrior is soft hearted, though.  She is tough in spirit, but gentle in heart.  The strength comes from within. The exterior is far from tough or rigid.

Leadership means creating boundaries, providing clarity, and stepping into situations to help resolve an issue.  In my Mind Fitness Coaching Programs, I help leaders do this.  But just as important as these concrete leadership skills, is the ability to allow your team to lead you.

My team taught me some of the most important lessons about leadership:

1. I don't have all the answers.  I don't need to have all the answers.  I don't need to have all the skills.  That does not make me a poor leader.  Often employees look to their managers or leaders for the answers - even if they believe they know what to do.  This behaviour can be a result of low confidence or working in fear.  Either way, it is not the best way for an organization to be solution oriented, creative, or to operate at peak performance.  Over time I learned to rely more on my team for the answers.  When they did not have the answers, we worked together to find the solution. 
2. I am wrong most of the time.  Even if I had the answers, they weren't necessarily the right answer for that specific situation.  My role as leader became one of guidance and accountability rather than telling people what to do.  I hired brilliant, creative, kind people, and I learned how to allow them to bring their best forward.  That resulted in them having the best solutions.
3. Silence is good.  When the team first formed, I found myself talking a lot.  That was necessary at times because it was all new, there was a lot of training and learning happening. However, my team had a lot to say.  It did not take long before my talking was probably boring to them. They had ideas and solutions and so much to bring to the group and project as individuals.  So I learned how to sit back and listen.  Allow them to do the talking.  Allow them to create what comes next.  My role became ensuring we were staying on track and committed to the vision of the project.  So I got more and more quiet.  And I learned a lot.  I advanced my own technical skills because the team members had skills I did not.  And I also learned a lot about each person as a person.  It allowed me to connect to them and help them grow.  I had a lot of ideas myself... but as a leader, I had to learn how to be silent.  I'm still learning:)
4. Mistakes can be celebrated.  There were times I had the answers and I knew I was right. But I also knew that if I always gave the answers, everyone would always ask me the questions. Just like a parent needs to allow her/his children to make mistakes, a leader has to allow her/his team to make mistakes.  Mistakes create the learning... and allow creativity to occur.  (Did you know Post-it notes were made by mistake!)  This is a lesson in patience, but the result is a knowledgeable, skilled, confident person.  When mistakes happen, they are to be acknowledged, and sometimes celebrated!  A mistake means someone tried something. Trying is better than avoiding or procrastinating.  Mistakes were not punished in my team.  In fact, punishment never happened.  Learning happened.  If someone was not doing their job well, discussions took place to help them do it better.  Consequences are always the result of good or poor performance, but as a Leader, I learned that if you had clear expectations and boundaries, compassion always could prevail.
5. Be accountable for my mishaps.  I made mistakes too.  Many.  I learned that apologies are fine. Apologizing does not discredit you as a leader.  In fact, when they are genuine, they connect you to your team and cultivate mutual respect.  Apologizing for something that is not your doing, though, is not genuine to yourself.  So that doesn't work.  That might discredit you as a leader.  A leader does need to have confidence in their abilities.  Their intuition does need to be strong.  And a confident, intuitive leader knows when an apology is needed - and it comes from the heart.
6. Arrogance is the ruination of a team.  Funnily, my role in this team was Leader, but the people I worked with every day taught me how to lead.  They taught me to come down off my high horse and be human.  The taught me that to be a great leader, I needed to know when to not lead.  I had my moments of arrogance.  Don't we all?!  We work hard to get somewhere and we are proud of it.  We want to prove we are worthy of this position.  But the thing is... we ARE worthy.  Arrogance does not make us more worthy.  Arrogance tears a team apart by tearing others down.  The only way to have a truly successful team is to lift each other up.

I am forever grateful to this amazing team who taught me to become a better leader.  They are my colleagues, my comrades, my friends, my tribe.  And they are Warrior Leaders.

Connect with Tina for a free Mind Fitness Coaching consultation at tina@pomroy.ca.  

Bumpity Flow - An Imperfectly Perfect Start to 2016

Do you make New Year's Resolutions?  Vision boards?  Intentions? For many years, on January 1st, I wrote pages and pages in my journal about my accomplishments over the past year and my dreams for the upcoming year.  It was a pretty good system. I was celebrating all the things I did rather than beat myself up about all the things I did not do.  And I was creating my vision for the next year... how I wanted to live.  It worked for me.  I felt refreshed and ready to begin a new year with passion and purpose.  During that time of my life, I was very goal oriented, and I felt great accomplishing these goals.  I was happy and content.

Now, I have a bit of a different approach.  I have shifted from being goal oriented to living with intention.  I think they can go together.  I was living with intention back then - my intention was to live a healthy, adventurous life and inspire my daughter to do the same. My goals were very much related to that.  However, I was driven by my goals.  Now, I'm driven by how I feel.  I'm not so attached to outcomes - a lesson I received from my mindfulness practice.

My 2016 began with a 7 hour drive from Central Newfoundland back to my home, followed by a weekend of getting groceries, unpacking from visiting family, tidying around the house, getting my 4-year old back on a regular sleep schedule (not there yet), trying to fit in some work that I didn't get done during the holidays, spending the last couple of days of holidays doing holiday things with my family, and sorting out the next week of activities, work, and life in general. Monday, I had three yoga classes to teach and had unexpected things happen that caused some stress.  I was watching others set intentions and begin their inspired new year routines, while I was working at barely keeping my head above water.

By Tuesday, I was down.

Tuesday, my energy had waned and my head pounded.  Although I had also stopped my Christmas indulgences a couple of days earlier, I caved and ate chocolate and cheezies.  Yes, even after posting a photo of my yummy detox green smoothie the day before!  I really should have posted a photo of my chocolates the next day for true authenticity:)  

Before Christmas, I had planned out my January.  It was full and I was excited about it... still am.  I wanted to begin the new year being that stereotypical healthy yogi and energetic but calm mom.  I set my intention: "I am free."  But something wasn't feeling right.  I was not aligned.  One of my challenges in my new life is to not be so goal oriented.  In the past, it worked.  I was your typical Type A, I am woman, hear me roar, kind of gal.  It was not a bad thing back then - actually, I was quite successful.  But now it doesn't work.  My old habits seep in, though.  I have this underlying belief that if I don't DO DO DO... I'm a failure.  It's plastered all over social media too.  All these posts about determination, discipline, persistence, hard work, success.  Yada... yada... yada.  I believe that really depends on your definition of success.  

Some days it is easy to pull up my big girl pants and move through the so-called failures and challenges head first - be persistent and disciplined and keep moving.  However, some days, I need to slow down.  I need to rest. I need to reassess.  I need to surrender.  I need to be OK with the fact that moving forward like a bull is NOT the answer.  It may only makes things worse because what's actually happening is I'm spiralling.  Sometimes DOING needs to change to BEING... even in business... and even if that is perceived as behaviour of non-successful people.  When I know when I need to take action and when I need to simply allow things to flow, I am free.

2016 has begun as a bit of a bumpy ride.  It has not been horrible by any stretch.  But it did not go as planned. My energy is low.  My neck is sore.  My to do list is not done.  In the past, I would have ignored how I felt and pushed through anyway.  It may have even worked back then.  But now, that approach simply does not work... and I know it does not work.  So I observed my attachment to the goals I had planned for the week and began to detach.  I began to flow over the bumps, rather than resist them.  I wasn't perfect. But that was the perfect way for me to begin 2016.

Just because we begin a new year.... just because we set intentions or create goals... just because we have decided to make some changes... doesn't mean we won't fall back into old habits.  A new year is also a continuation of last year... and all the previous years.  We bring all of our experiences with us into the new year. It takes consistency to create change.  It takes an ability to flow through the challenges and continue to revisit your intentions and make conscious decisions to choose differently.  The repetition is what makes your intentions work.  

In yoga, we learn about the three gunas: tamas, rajas, sattva.  Tamas is a state of inaction and darkness.  Rajas is a state of action and change.  And Sattva is a state of harmony and liberation.  We need all three and oscillate between all of them.  That's how we grow.  The first week of the new year for me was planned as being very much full of rajas.  It ended up being full of tamas.  And, in the end, I believe I may have found a little sattva.

Why We Opt Out of Self-Care

"Take care of yourself first."

"If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of others." 

"Focusing on self-care changed my life."

"Take time for you."

"Self-care is self-love."

Have you heard any of these things or anything similar? We all believe them.  We all agree.  But why don't we follow this advice?

Well, some do.  And they got it.  They have found their balance... until tomorrow when things change and they have to find a new balance.  Some will fall over then.  But some continue to find a new balance each day, riding the oscillations of life.  They may not need to read this post... of course in mindfulness, we are always curious and approach things with a beginner's mind, so maybe they will anyway:)  

Others continue to do their best... sometimes taking a walk in nature... sometimes drinking lots of water... sometimes eating healthy.... sometimes being very prepared for each day... sometimes getting enough sleep... sometimes exercising regularly... sometimes meditating.  That kind of describes me... the 'sometimes' girl.

Here's some of the good news... This is OK.  Because life is a roller coaster.  Life is not about staying the same each day.  Nothing is constant but change.

We find something that works, and then we have a month of kids' concerts, and work deadlines, and maybe the seasonal flu goes through your entire family.  And you feel like you've lost it.  You spend so much time caring for everyone else and barely getting enough sleep that you have lost your self-care.... and self-loathing may even seep in.

What if I told you caring for others CAN be self-care.

It's about how you approach it all in your mind.  When we have a lot on our plates... kids, jobs, activities, wellness, special occasions, etc., etc., etc.... we tend to let our self-care activities and attitudes go and then stress about letting them go.  This stress causes suffering, and this suffering heightens our lack of 'self-care'.  Yeah... beating yourself up about not taking care of yourself results in taking even less care of yourself.  It's called 'feeling bad about feeling bad' in my mindfulness training.

However, what if taking your kid to her soccer game was part of your self-care?  What if cooking supper for your family was part of taking care of yourself?  What if meeting a work deadline was a piece of fulfilling your passion, hence self-care?  

So many of my coaching clients get caught up in the busy-ness of life and create the idea that, 'I don't have time for self-care'... hence, are not self-loving... which just results in a spiral downwards. This is the advice I give to them (if they want advice).  Your life is full of your choices.  Lots of things are not in your control, but you can choose how you perceive them.  You may choose to dislike the fact your kids activities or work deadlines are taking you away from the gym or your time cooking a gorgeous supper from 'Oh She Glows'... or you can choose to like the fact that you value giving your kids these opportunities or you value putting your full energy into your work that you love or you value giving others your attention. 

This IS self-care.  

When you are behaving aligned with your values, you are caring for yourself. I'm not saying eat crap and never exercise.  When I ask a room full of people at my workshops what they value, pretty much everyone says family and health.  So, physical care (and mental and emotional care) is part of self-care because it pretty much always is a personal value.  But when you stop expending so much energy on beating yourself up for not going to an exercise class or not having enough time to cook a good supper or having to take care of your family so you cannot attend a weekend retreat... you then have more energy to be physically healthy and you will enjoy (or at least find contentment) in all the activities and deadlines that you believe are taking you away from your wellness... because they are actually part of your whole wellness.  How you treat your mind and how you manage your emotions are part of your self-care.

So the key to self-care is being aligned with your values and knowing it.  Knowing it and finding joy in it.  Understanding your attitudes and managing them.  When life gets busy, taking on an extra fitness class may not be the answer, but changing your mindset can change everything (and just may allow you to take on that extra fitness class:).

If you DO have time to attend a retreat and tend to yourself a little this Nov. 20-22, check out Tina's Unleash Your Creative Spirit Retreat in Ochre Pit Cove, NL (1hr, 45 mins from St. John's).

If you'd like to realign yourself with your values, check out the next workshop on Re-Creating Your Vision on January 14th, 2016, in St. John's, NL.

How Desire Strips You of Happiness

Have you ever tried really hard to be friends with someone and the friendship never really came to fruition?

When I moved back to NL almost four years ago, I was starting new.  I was in a completely different place in life with a baby, I was beginning a new career and business, and most of my friends did not live here.  I met so many wonderful people; however, I have not made many new close friends.

I was yearning to make friends with certain people.  They seemed to be like-minded, fun, and 'real'.  But there was something missing....

They didn't include me.

That's not entirely true.  I was included in some events, mostly for business.  And everyone was kind to me.  But I wasn't invited out to dinner or for a girls night or to exclusive events.  I wasn't included on their list of 30+ like-minded friends tagged on social media posts.

So I kept trying.  You know... engaging on social media, sending personal notes, and working at the possibility of getting together beyond business.  And it just never happened.  This all did not bode well with me in my mind.  I have always been a likeable person and have not had to work so hard to make friends.  What was wrong with me?  Why didn't these people want to include me?

A couple of months ago in yoga teacher training, my teacher said, allow the karmic experiences to come to you.  And it struck me.  I've been pushing.  I've been desiring.  I've not only been searching for friends, but I've been searching for ways to help the world.  I've offered my time to a few associations and organizations and was turned down!  I've been seeking out ways to just do good.

I was filled with desire.  It was good desire.  Desire to help.  Desire to be around like-minded people doing good in the world.  But it was desire.

I had to surrender.  I had to stop desiring and start being in my life as it is.  Doing good starts right here.

Sometimes situations or people are not aligned with you even when it seems that they are.  This does not mean you or the other person is in a better place or that you don't deserve what you desire.  It simply means you are in a different place - right now.  That situation or person may very well come into your life at a different time - when you aren't pushing for it.

When your energy goes into desiring things to be different, you miss out on all the opportunities that enter into your world naturally.  Desire can strip you from happiness.  Desire results in wishing things were different.  But they aren't.  When you surrender to this moment, and you focus on all the things you CAN do, you find peace.  You find contentment.  You realize that you have choice.  You begin to put your energy into your own path, rather than desiring someone else's.  And it's far from selfish because you then have the energy to do good in the world.

In yoga practice when you do a balance pose... you must be grounded and focused or you lose balance.  If you look around the room and compare yourself to others or desire to be in their position, you lose balance... you might fall on your face (I have done that).  The key to a balance pose is drowning out the noise (literally and in your mind) around you and find focus.  If you wish you could be in a different place with the pose, you will likely lose your balance and not accomplish what you can do in that moment.

I began focusing on my own life.  I began focusing on what I do have and the beautiful people around me.  And I realized that there is a lot of good to do right here - I was missing opportunities to help that were right in front of me.

We all desire things.  Like in mindfulness meditation, though, if we can catch the desire... become aware of it... then we can take action to reduce and maybe even eliminate the desire.  Then you have the possibility to live the life you want.  You can't do that when you are desiring someone else's life.

<3