Sunday, September 4, 2016
But, I'm beginning to feel frustrated and unbalanced. I feel like I'm wobbling off of a high wire.
We chose this move. We were not forced. We wanted a simpler life. We wanted less space to clean. We did not want to purchase more stuff to fill the larger space we lived in. We wanted more disposable income to have more experiences. We chose this move. Yet, I have found myself struggling at times with the small space, the less than modern house, the smell in the old basement, the boxes that cannot be unpacked because every inch of space is already full.
I'm practicing surrender... having faith that it will all work out... having a knowing that this is just stuff that doesn't matter. I look out my windows and stare at the huge, mature trees surrounding my property and find peace. Nature is like that.
I know we have a lot to do to make this space a comfortable home. And I know it will all be OK. But I still find myself getting frustrated. I have found myself stuck the last few days... not knowing what to do... my body aches and my life feels unsettled. So I meditate and I feel more settled. It will all be OK.
This is a process like anything else in life. I find gratitude in the fact that my business does not pick up until the Fall so I've had a lot of day time hours to pack, unpack, sort, maneuver, purge, organize... and get stuck in my twirling stories and thoughts. But I recognize those vortexes of thought and then I meditate or sit on the deck to be surrounded by the trees. And I realize all is OK.
I also have drank a beer or two almost every night since we've arrived. I have been eating fast food or processed food for almost every meal. I have been staying up late, sleeping a little later. I have been sore and cranky and I refuse to take a pill. My husband somehow puts up with my crankiness. I remind myself how love makes it OK.
Just today, I posted about humor in my meditation challenge group. Yet, lately, mine has not been present as much as usual. I'm tired and I don't know where to put anything. I realize how convenient our space was before. There was space for everything. I had most things at a height that I did not need to bend to retrieve. There was no clutter. There was natural light everywhere. Everything was new and clean. My physical space helped me have space in my mind.
But I still had to meditate. I still had cranky days. I still had all the imperfections I have now.
My meditation and yoga practice is helping me perceive this experience as just an experience - not good, not bad. My practice is also helping me see more clearly that I'm imperfect. Life is imperfect. No matter what your house looks like, no matter how much stuff you have, no matter what career you have, no matter who your friends are... you are still an imperfectly perfect human being... with human emotions. We know these things on an intellectual level - but observing the experience of them is how we truly see into our higher selves.
We have an edge in our yoga practice... that place where we can find ease in our effort. And if we go beyond it, we are no longer receiving benefit. We may harm ourselves. We need to accept that edge and love where we are... be kind to ourselves. The edge may change, but at that moment, to receive the most benefit, we need to be OK with that edge.
My practice has helped me see my edge. As the weeks of packing and unpacking have piled up, my edge has moved closer and closer. My practice helped me manage it. My practice does not get rid of it.
My practice makes imperfect OK.... and has shown me that I need to adopt a little more humor and love <3