Life has changed.
I still have a Type A attitude in me... but it does not work anymore.
The craze lasted about five months, then my oldest daughter came home after a very difficult internship. My emotions were certainly triggered during her time away and I was relieved she was home. For the next few weeks, I tried to tend to her needs as we prepared for her upcoming wedding, after which she moved away again to finish her next degree, and I started to unwind.
I began a program for adrenal fatigue and burn-out (which has haunted me for years) and I stopped eating chips! I 95% quit caffeine. I went to bed between 8:30 and 10:00. My energy slowly began to rise, I lost the pounds I packed on during the winter months, and I felt 'in the flow' again... nearing normal. Pain is still there (and worsening), but higher energy made it possible to incorporate more physical exercise into my day. I told my husband it is the least stressed I've felt in a long time.
My business is in a steady state - not growing due to me returning to school full-time in September do complete a Master's of Education in Counselling Psychology. Yes, I'm pumped! But I had several events scheduled for May that just landed in my lap. I was grateful, to say the least. Life seemed to be working its wonders since last Fall, and I truly felt like I was seeing success after success for the first time in years. My 40s were a hot mess, as one of my students likes to say, and I was sooo done with that.
Then Monday happened.
My oldest had come for a weekend visit - well, it was really for a wedding dress fitting:) I decided to make pancakes on Monday morning before she left for her long drive back to school. My seven year old had to leave for school at 8:30, so breakfast was to take place at 7:30.... I had to be up by 6:45 to get ready.
I slept in...
It was a rush, but everyone enjoyed the pancakes and many hugs were shared as my seven year old said good-bye to her sister as I walked her to school. My phone ringer was turned off, but as I was going through the door, I noticed two missed calls from an unknown number. I thought it was strange for calls that early in the morning, but I figured if they did not leave a voice mail, it was not important. And I carried on. When I returned, I poured a decaf coffee and sat to my computer.... it was going for 9:00.
An email.... from the person who had hired me to speak at her organization's conference breakfast.... that morning... at 8:30.
Yes. I missed a speaking engagement!
Sweet lord. I have never done this. I have had to cancel things. I have had to find substitutes for things. I have had to decline things. I have even missed meetings and called in advance to say I would not be there. But I have never just not shown up for something like this.
I was all a fluster, but I could only imagine how this lady felt when I was not showing up and not answering my phone! I wanted to fix this for her.
Well, she managed to figure it out on her end. And I tried to help on my end with some offer... and I began the descent into self blame and shame.
This is where my mindfulness practice came in. I felt the stress growing. I could not fix it, and it was all my fault, and I messed it all up, and I felt like a failure, and someone had actually recommended me for this engagement, and I let them down too, and I lost the money, and my reputation will be ruined, and, and, and..... the self-criticism and negative thinking started to spiral. And then I texted my soul sister. And she laughed. And I texted my husband. And he said I'll be laughing at this in a few days.
And I smiled. Not because I messed up. Not because it was not important. But because it was done. And I could not control it. I still felt compassion for the event organizer, and I offered something to make up for it. But feeling shitty about it was not fixing it. So I smiled.
Then I went to the kitchen and there was a pancake in the pan... which was still turned on. And it was burnt. And I laughed.
I'm thrilled that I can laugh at my imperfections again. I'm a fucking normal human being.
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Learn more about the 5-week Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation here: Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation. Classes begin July 11th! Register at tina@pomroy.ca.
