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Thursday, August 25, 2016

Little Attachments Must Stay. Big Attachments Must Leave.

"Will I leave the hook on my bathroom door?" asked my 22-year old.  We are moving house.  We're downsizing.  And many of the little attachments to walls, doors, etc. must stay.  One attachment that I am hoping will leave, though, is my big attachment... to this house we made a home.

We bought this big, beautiful house almost five years ago after returning from living in Singapore.  My youngest was four months old when we moved in and my oldest was almost 18.  We put effort into making this house our home.  We painted it warm colors and laid floors that were delightful to walk on.  We bought furniture that suited the space.  My husband poured hours and hours into planning and renovating the basement so that our oldest could have her own space and I could have an office.  And that space is wonderful.  We used our spare room for many visitors, including my mother-in-law, who was sick for many of the years we lived here.  My husband created raised beds in our garden for vegetables and we planted flowers and greenery in our gardens that are always pleasing to watch blossom.  I usually take a moment each time I drive into our driveway to take in the beauty of the garden.

We have wonderful neighbors.  My five year old is making friends in the neighborhood.  I just received a note from a neighbor down the road saying she was sorry we did not meet earlier.

I have worked in my dining room (Yeah, I know, I have a beautiful office, but I love the light in the dining room.) day after day with the patio door open, the light breeze flowing in, and the sounds of birds chirping filling the room.  I have worked on the patio, smelling the odours of grass and trees.  I have looked out the kitchen window as I cooked supper and watched my daughter playing in her sandbox.  I have practiced yoga on my sunshiny deck, in my spacious office, in my dining room, in my airy bedroom, and in my brightly lit living room.

I have wedding photos in this house.  We had birthday dinners, complete with decorations, in our dining room.  We cut down our own 14 foot Christmas tree to display in our living room with the big window and vaulted ceiling.  I had tea morning after morning with my mother-in-law in that same living room.  My parents, husband, oldest, and I sat in the playroom as my youngest entertained us. I had many cups of coffee or tea and glasses of wine with interesting, funny, and philosophical conversations while sitting at the island in the kitchen with friends and family.

Like most people, we've made beautiful memories here.  Five years worth of beautiful memories.

I have also had a strange five years.  I struggled with starting my own business.  I've had depression. I raised my youngest from infant to school age.  I've raised my oldest from high school to independence (well, sort of:).  I had a career change.  I got married.  My parents have been sick.  My mother-in-law passed away.  My brother became estranged from my family.

Although the last five years have been beautiful and meaningful and, in many ways, some of the happiest times of my life... I'm ready to move to the next chapter.

I knew this house was not a forever home.  It has served its purpose.  It has served it well.  Now, we move to a smaller house with a bigger yard.  There is work to be done to make it our own.  Purging is taking place.  But it is aligned with where we are in life right now.

We are looking forward to making new memories there.  My oldest will have her own full, first apartment to decorate and make her own.  My youngest will have a big back yard in which to play. The sun shines in our yard all day long.  The property is covered with big, old trees.  I imagine I will practice yoga on the patio, listening to the birds chirping and feeling the breeze from the trees.  I imagine I will watch my daughter play from the kitchen window as I cook supper.  I imagine we will have birthday celebrations, smaller Christmas trees, and visitors squished into a space somewhere. I imagine we will build raised vegetable beds and plant flowers.  I imagine we will meet wonderful neighbors.  I imagine I will work in my dining room (because I will not have an office:) with the patio door open.

I imagine we will make many beautiful memories in our new home.

That, I think, is what helps remove the big attachments.  However, I'm also taking time this week as I pack to feel the attachments and say good-bye to this chapter.  It's OK to feel sad.  It's also OK to feel happy at the same time.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

I'm 46 today and I'm on my 2nd glass of wine

Today it's my birthday.  I love birthdays.  I love celebrating others' birthdays.  I love celebrating my own birthday.  I like making it a special day.  I used to take a vacation day on my birthday all the time when I worked for someone else.  Now, I also take a vacation day.

Birthdays always make me reflect on my life.  And my death. I know that sounds so morbid.  But we live and then we die. And ignoring death does not make life easier or better.  But, I'm not here to talk about death.  I'm here to talk about life. My life.  I think.  Maybe it will resonate with some of you.

I have been at a crossroads in my business for some time.  I don't know which way to turn.  I know others feel that way too... I'm a Coach... I hear things like this all the time.  And I've been through this before.  But I know it is time to step up or step away.  And I'm truly unsure which way to turn.

So I decided to pour a glass of wine.

I'm drinking the wine as I cook for eight people for my birthday dinner, after which, I'm going to the beach for a fire, and I have the music blasting... of course.  This was my choice... to cook my own birthday dinner.  My husband had to work and wanted to order out.  But I got it in my head that cooking would be so much more fun (wtf?!).  My kitchen sink is clogged.  And I'm running behind. And I may have messed up the vegan soup.  I actually thought I'd get everything prepared and have time for a hike before supper???!!!

Now, don't get me wrong.  I started my day with a beautiful yoga class... taught by a beautiful friend and yogi, The Office Yogi at Nova Yoga.  Then I had a family visit.  And I enjoy cooking when it is not rushed.  And I was hanging out with my oldest daughter.  And I received and read a lot of beautiful birthday messages.  Life is quite good.  I have no room to complain.

But I think I will anyway.

In addition to the clogged sink, sweat running down my back from cooking (it is warm here!!!), no shower yet today, and adding a new ingredient to the soup that just might not work... I got an email earlier today that I did not get an interview for a job I applied for.  Yeah... a job.  I know... I'm an entrepreneur, so why am I applying for jobs?!

Well, I thought I was supposed to.  Remember I said I'm at a crossroad in business?  I thought it was time to get a job for a variety of reasons.  I have no intention of shutting down my yoga and meditation business, mind you.  But I figured a job in the right area would help me and my business... and an organization and the people in it.  So I wanted to help.  That's all I ever want to do.  And I applied for this perfect-for-me looking job.  And I got my declined for an interview email today.... on my birthday.

So I poured a glass of wine.

Actually, I shed a few tears.  Not because I did not get an interview (I actually know someone on the selection committee and I KNOW they will choose the best person the job).  But because I am frustrated. And it's my birthday.  And I'm cooking by myself and my sink got clogged up and, although I have a large number of acquaintances, I don't really have a lot of close friends to call upon on my birthday to have a glass of wine in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the week.

Woe is me.

I do not turn to alcohol for avoiding issues.  But today... I decided to get over it and have a glass of wine.  In the afternoon.  I don't do that either.

I'm on my second glass of wine (they are small glasses).  I feel better.  Not because of the wine.  But because I allowed myself to feel frustrated and sad.  I'm still lost.  I still have no idea what I'm doing this Fall... with my business... or do I get a job... or do I go to school... or do I go to the mountains and meditate and practice yoga and secretly drink wine in my cave?

Whatever it is... I'm 46 today.  I'm on some sort of journey... called my life.  I do always try to make the best of it.  But right now, I have no idea what the best is.  So, I poured a third glass of wine.  And i think I'll enjoy the rest of the day and evening with complete unknowing what tomorrow will bring.  Or the next moment.

Maybe all 8 people will spit the soup out.  But we have wine.

Happy birthday to me!