Birthdays always make me reflect on my life. And my death. I know that sounds so morbid. But we live and then we die. And ignoring death does not make life easier or better. But, I'm not here to talk about death. I'm here to talk about life. My life. I think. Maybe it will resonate with some of you.
I have been at a crossroads in my business for some time. I don't know which way to turn. I know others feel that way too... I'm a Coach... I hear things like this all the time. And I've been through this before. But I know it is time to step up or step away. And I'm truly unsure which way to turn.
So I decided to pour a glass of wine.
I'm drinking the wine as I cook for eight people for my birthday dinner, after which, I'm going to the beach for a fire, and I have the music blasting... of course. This was my choice... to cook my own birthday dinner. My husband had to work and wanted to order out. But I got it in my head that cooking would be so much more fun (wtf?!). My kitchen sink is clogged. And I'm running behind. And I may have messed up the vegan soup. I actually thought I'd get everything prepared and have time for a hike before supper???!!!
Now, don't get me wrong. I started my day with a beautiful yoga class... taught by a beautiful friend and yogi, The Office Yogi at Nova Yoga. Then I had a family visit. And I enjoy cooking when it is not rushed. And I was hanging out with my oldest daughter. And I received and read a lot of beautiful birthday messages. Life is quite good. I have no room to complain.
But I think I will anyway.
In addition to the clogged sink, sweat running down my back from cooking (it is warm here!!!), no shower yet today, and adding a new ingredient to the soup that just might not work... I got an email earlier today that I did not get an interview for a job I applied for. Yeah... a job. I know... I'm an entrepreneur, so why am I applying for jobs?!
Well, I thought I was supposed to. Remember I said I'm at a crossroad in business? I thought it was time to get a job for a variety of reasons. I have no intention of shutting down my yoga and meditation business, mind you. But I figured a job in the right area would help me and my business... and an organization and the people in it. So I wanted to help. That's all I ever want to do. And I applied for this perfect-for-me looking job. And I got my declined for an interview email today.... on my birthday.
So I poured a glass of wine.
Actually, I shed a few tears. Not because I did not get an interview (I actually know someone on the selection committee and I KNOW they will choose the best person the job). But because I am frustrated. And it's my birthday. And I'm cooking by myself and my sink got clogged up and, although I have a large number of acquaintances, I don't really have a lot of close friends to call upon on my birthday to have a glass of wine in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the week.
Woe is me.
I do not turn to alcohol for avoiding issues. But today... I decided to get over it and have a glass of wine. In the afternoon. I don't do that either.
I'm on my second glass of wine (they are small glasses). I feel better. Not because of the wine. But because I allowed myself to feel frustrated and sad. I'm still lost. I still have no idea what I'm doing this Fall... with my business... or do I get a job... or do I go to school... or do I go to the mountains and meditate and practice yoga and secretly drink wine in my cave?
Whatever it is... I'm 46 today. I'm on some sort of journey... called my life. I do always try to make the best of it. But right now, I have no idea what the best is. So, I poured a third glass of wine. And i think I'll enjoy the rest of the day and evening with complete unknowing what tomorrow will bring. Or the next moment.
Maybe all 8 people will spit the soup out. But we have wine.
Happy birthday to me!
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