Don't chase happiness to be happy

I used to write about happiness at work.  I felt it was possible to have 'happy' workplaces even though the general consensus at the time was that work was work and the intent was not to bring happiness so focus on the work rather than employees' happiness.

And then I stopped writing about happiness all together because everyone seemed to be talking about happiness and there seemed to be this big chase and competition for who could be the most happy.  And if you weren't happy, you were unsuccessful.  With all the talk of happiness, it seemed there was less and less happy.

This conflicted with how I felt.  So I became cautious of using the word happy.

Don't get me wrong.  I have always felt, and still do feel, that happiness is one of many emotions that feels good.  It is nice to be happy.  I like being happy.  But I'm learning not to chase it.

Instead, and what I really meant by happiness, was that we can find joy and curiosity in work, life, and many situations.  Even many of the tough ones do not have to bring complete dread.  But if they do, that is OK too.  Because if we don't allow dread when dread arises, we'll simply always have that dread within us.  Society tells us not to feel anything but happy.  So when we are not happy, we feel not acceptable by society.  Yet, happy will come and go and so will all other feelings.

Happiness... the kind I'm talking about.... that deep down joy and peace kind of happy... comes when we stop chasing anything and accept all that comes.  It is more about not desiring anything to be different.  With that will come the courage to sometimes be unacceptable by society as a whole.  It is also about cultivating joy in the situations that it is felt.

So stop the chase.  Accept and embrace whatever comes - yes, even the dreadful stuff.  Don't get stuck it in... let it pass through.  Because it will.  Have the courage to honor all emotions that arise and possibly be perceived by others as unacceptable in your emotions.  And THEN, you will have that deep down joy kind of happy.

To your 'happiness' :)

Losing Your Identity

Who are you?

That is a question many people who search for truth grapple with.  Most will answer with their name, a description of their job/career, role in a family, activities they excel at, etc.  But that's not really the answer, is it?

I spent a good portion of my life striving to be someone.  I took all the steps to become educated.  At an early age, I became a Mom.  I dedicated my years to being a great Mom and successfully fought the stereotype of a young, single mom.  My career grew and I became a leader in my organization.  I was healthy and fit. 

I identified with all of these things.  You have probably heard me say it before, I was a fiercely independent, career driven, healthy, single mom.  And I was successful at it.  I put my energy into it.  I was proud of my success.  I attached to it.  (Yes, I probably still attach to it:)

Then it was taken away.

When I say it was taken away, I simply mean, it changed.  I married.  I had another child.  I left my job and eventually had a complete career change, and struggled through it, even though I loved what  I did.  Chronic pain and burn-out lead to depression and lack of activity.

So I was no longer the person I thought I was.  I was now an unemployed, unhealthy, married mom of two.

I lost my identity.  I kind of crumbled, even though many of the changes were wonderful.  I had no idea who I was.  My role changed.  I had no idea where or how I fit in.  I was having an identity crisis.

I was also an entrepreneur.  And a yogi.  I began attaching again to those descriptors, which gave me a sense of belonging.  For a while, they fit, and I became proud of them.  But something was not working.  You see, I was still attaching to an idea.  I still AM attaching to an idea that I must BE something in order to have value.

My identity brings me value.  And we all need to feel valued.  My identity gives me a place to belong.  And we all need to feel like we belong.

So, I'm still grappling with who I am.  I have had glimpses of different levels of consciousness that bring tremendous joy and peace.  That is who I am, truly.  But I have manifested into me on this physical plane.  So who is me?  And why am I here?

I'm on this journey now.  I'm detaching (it is taking me a long time!) from my past identity... and releasing who that person was.  She had a purpose, and I'm learning gratitude for that.  I'm forming a new identity, and I'm working on being more flexible with it.  That Tina will also serve a purpose.  I'm uncertain what it is right now.  But, as opposed to feeling I had zero value when I was in a dark place of depression, I know that just by being here in this body with this spirit, I bring value.  Sometimes I just don't know what it is.  And that is OK.

We are all evolving all the time.  But when we attach to an identity, we can get stuck, and it can hinder our growth.  So, I think I'll look at this identity crisis as an identity evolution instead.  There is value in that.  Because now, more than ever, I feel alive.

If you have gone through an identity crisis, I'd love to hear from you.  You can email me at tina@pomroy.ca.  Sometimes sharing our story helps with the evolution <3

Letting Our Children Fly

Little did I know on that day she was born, when I was 23 years old, that she would be my greatest teacher.  She would hold me as much as I held her.

In my 20s, she taught me acceptance.  I was a single mom for 15 years.  I was young for that time for having a child.  I did not have any friends with children.  I was still in university.  I had to choose my child over the parties and the traveling and happy hours and the trendy clothes.  And I did so without hesitation.  I accepted my role as mother... as single mother... without trepidation.  It was not without its challenges, but it was pure joy.

Into my 30s, she taught me to lead.  I had a quietly strong girl growing into her teens, and I wanted to demonstrate to her that she was in control of her own life.  So I tried to be a leader for her - a successful woman who was happy and grounded.  But she already knew.  She made decisions for herself.  She was wise and chose her own path.  She was not a follower.  Ever.  She did not choose to dress like others.  She did not choose to do what others did.  She did not listen to only popular music.  She had her own sense of style and magnificence.  She went against the grain if it was right for her... but not just to go against the grain.  There were times it suited her to be with the crowd, and so she did.  She knew how to lead her own life.  And I watched.  And I learned.

In my 40s, she's taught me curiosity.  She's opened my eyes to the world as she shaped herself into a beautiful, kind, caring young woman.  She chooses what is best for the world.  She listens carefully and thoughtfully responds to situations with skill.  With heart.  She questions things before accepting them.  Our sometimes colorful Sunday dinner discussions are always filled with depth and learning.  She shares her knowledge and she shifts her perspectives.  And I've watched this curiosity give her meaning and joy in life and guide her through difficult decisions.  And I try to practice what I see in her.

Now, this grounded, brilliant, creative young woman has flown away.  She's been living in our basement apartment for a couple of years, but now she has really left the nest.  And I have shed a few tears.  Tears of joy because she taught me so much.  Tears of happiness because she is fulfilling one of her dreams.  Tears of love because there is no greater love I have experienced than the love I have for my daughters.  Tears of emptiness because there is a void in my life.  Tears of hope because I hope she will face her challenges with the grace she has shown me every day for over 24 years and continue to live with joy.

As parents, we all have to let them fly.  We do not own our children.  They are on loan.  We are privileged to have the opportunity to influence them for this time.  When I reflect, I realize I always let her fly.  I'm just watching her fly further this time.  And the nest will always be here.

And I realize, too, that it is also my time to fly.

How We Rise

Our lives are full of falls and rises.  As babies, it is how we walk and learn things and just keep on going without much thought.  Fall down, get up, try again.  There is an old Zen proverb that says, "Fall down seven, get up eight."  As we grow older, it is not so easy, though, hey?

The falls are sometimes crashes.  We may break.  And it takes some time to rebound.  We need to heal our bones before we can walk again... we need to heal our spirit before we can feel vibrant again.  And some never rise.

Look at any social media platform and it is filled with quotes about being strong and resilient and getting up when you fall.  When you are down, it is not so easy to do these things.  And, at the same time, it does not have to be so hard.

This past weekend was Easter and as I reminded my 6 year old about the story of Easter, she told me she does not think it is a story - she believes Jesus really did rise from the dead.  Of course, I told her that it is completely ok to believe whatever she feels she wants to believe.  Who am I to say if it is true or false?  And then she said that she heard the story at school and was told it was true.  My heart sank a little.  As much as I want her to believe whatever she wants to believe, I also cringe when I know she's being told what to believe... it's just more conditioning.  And this conditioning is one of the things that makes it so hard to rise later in life when we fall.

There are natural responses to difficulties in life.  We grieve.  We are sad.  We are depressed.  We are angry.  We are lonely.  We are anxious.  And we are told by society to get up... be strong... you can do it.  To me these messages can be well intentioned and even motivating... but they can also cause harm.  They tell us to not be sad or depressed or anxious.  They tell us to get out of the place we are... because it's not a good place.  But who is to say what is a good or bad place?  We have been conditioned to believe that these difficult places are bad.  Yet, they are part of life.  They are natural.  And we are all faced with some form of difficulty.

In my experience, forcing myself out of a so-called bad place to feel or look strong was a bandaid solution.  It may work in some instances when the fall caused a scratch.  But there are other times that we need to be in the sadness, the grief, the depression, the anger, the loneliness, or the anxiety.  Giving ourselves permission to be where we are so that we CAN move through it is liberating.  Rather than pushing ourselves to be somewhere different and then beating ourselves up because we seem to not be able to get there, we can accept where we are and do what we need to do.  When we deny the feelings we have, they don't go away.  When we make the effort and choose to move through something, transformation happens.

We rise through acceptance.  We rise by allowing ourselves to feel.  We rise by allowing it all to pass.  Forcing ourselves out of the 'bad place' just keeps us stuck in it.  We need to move through it in order to get through it.  And we can't move through it without acknowledging we're in it. The so-called negative or bad feelings or situations are not there to ignore.  However, nor are they there to stay in.

Our desire to be somewhere different rather than where we are can be strong enough to hold us where we are.  When we release the desire to be somewhere else or something else, it is easier to move away from the suffering.  It's not necessarily easy... but it's easier than forcing or ignoring or suppressing.

I read this a while back in a tiny little book called 'Now Zen':

"We would rather be ruined than changed,
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die."

I realized I had done that so many times in the past.  I sulked in dread because life had changed or gotten hard and I didn't want it to.   Not unlike the story of Jesus' death, in life, we are faced with crosses - challenges or choices to make, and when we accept them we can rise.  It is our choice and it is empowering to choose.  It does not have to be all dreadful.  In fact, it may not even be a dreadful situation (although, it may be), rather something we simply do not want, and we are causing our own suffering by denying it.  But we do need to go through it and accept it to rise... to find out what is waiting for us on the other side... which may simply be something different, or it may be spectacular.  Either way, it eases the suffering.

"You've seen my descent.  Now watch my rising."

~ Rumi

Re-defining Love Day

I am on a bit of a hiatus from teaching and blogging.  I am taking this time because I want to practice what I preach.  I am practicing my solo love-in.  There is no protest nor group gathering.  I do not have some profound message or revelation to share.  I'm simply trying to stabilize the love and peace within.  My messages are to myself.  My protests are my own to simply accept me and learn what I stand for. 

Given I'm on a love mission, I thought it was worthwhile to write today, on Valentine's day, and share my thoughts and meanderings.  It doesn't make them right or meaningful... I just felt like writing.

Unlike some others, Valentine's Day has, overall, been a good day in my life.  I received valentine cards as a kid.  I had a boyfriend as a teen (he didn't always give me presents though!).  As a 20-something single woman, I had a child to celebrate this day with, and I kinda made it a big deal for her.  Not with presents, rather, with presence.  In my 30s, I was also usually single, but I began to live in the love world.  I tried to nurture love in all parts of my life.  I knew this day was not about romance or couples or flowers or chocolates... and I got a little resentful of all the commercialism created on this day.  I was single, after all, and all I saw around me was advertising that to be happy you must have chocolate, diamonds, flowers, and a partner to give them to you.  I celebrated love but I really could not stand all the hype around Valentine's Day.  I did not want to subscribe to society's views on relationships or marriage or the idea that a woman had to have a partner in order to be happy.

Then I met my husband.  And he gave me flowers on our first Valentine's Day.  And, surprisingly, I loved them.

I began to shift my views yet again.

It was not the fact that I received flowers that I loved.  With the love I had for him came a softened heart.  I loved celebrating love.  Romantic love is just one of those types of love.  I liked that I was with a man who nourished love in a relationship.  Over the years, we have celebrated Valentine's Day with activities that demonstrate our love and acceptance of each other.  I am all about presence over presents.  But, we also celebrate our love all year long.  Valentine's Day is just like my wedding band... a reminder to notice and acknowledge love and joy and acceptance.

Now, in my 40s, I have a young child again.  And a husband.  And a grown child who lives in the love world even more than me... who recently got engaged!  And a brand new kitty.  How can I not love Love Day?!

I do enjoy Valentine's Day... enough that I skipped my painting class last night to make heart shaped cookies and decorate them with my 6-year old.  Enough that I am writing and sharing a blog today, after a 2 1/2 month lull.

Yes, love is important in this world.  But it goes way beyond having romance in your life.  It goes way beyond having children or pets to love.  After all, everyone does not have these things.  Love is for everyone and extends way past this world and into your Self.

The journey of self love is not an easy one.  It is radical.  It is uncomfortable.  It is unknown for most.  It is not about power.  Or accomplishment.  Or always being happy.  Or even having the life of your dreams.  And it is much more than self care.

Society has fooled us.  Making Valentine's Day about romance and gift giving is no different than making success about accomplishments, the number of trips you take, or what kind of car you drive.  It is no different than making someone worthy of love because of something they have done or been through.  Everyone is worthy of love.  As hard as it is to accept, even those who we believe are evil or bad are worthy of love.

Loving and accepting does not mean there are no consequences, of course.  Nor does it mean we do not stand up for what we believe in.  There is a dance between fighting for something and acceptance.  I am grateful for those who came before me and who are currently fighting for social justice and equality.  I am thankful for those who fought for my freedom.  But if we are to improve the world, we cannot continue the same way of fighting.  We have become angry and resentful and selfish people.  The world will not survive in this way.  The world definitely needs more love.

Us humans are arrogant and self-righteous.  We feel we need to conform to society's facade that we need to be something more in order to be loved.  We feel we need to be right in order to be good enough.  We feel we need to prove that we are somehow better than and have more than others in order to feel worthy.  Yet, we are more stressed and less happy... and we probably spend more money on Valentine's Day!

So, for me, now, Valentine's Day is more about Self Love and Peace in my world.  I baked the heart shaped cookies, I have flowers on my table from my husband because he wanted to bring some beauty into our home, and I am sending chocolates to my nieces and nephews.  These are all simply expressions of our love for each other.  We also played love songs last night and danced and we will share a family meal together this evening and I will spend time today in meditation and reflection... contemplating this blog.... and practicing loving-kindness.

I don't have the answers.  I have no profound words.  All I know is that there is nothing wrong with celebrating love.  We need more of it in the world.  If we all took the time to learn more about self love, maybe valentine's day would not be so commercialized and the chocolate would be more enjoyed.

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe.
May you live with ease.
And may you find joy in whatever Valentine's Day brings.