So I essentially gave up running (among other things).
Last week, I participated in some more Mindfulness training (which was awesome... more on that later). Another participant mentioned that she was in excruciating pain when she ran; however, she read a book in which the author spoke about being mindful of the pain as something separate from you. She now says to herself, "Something inside me is experiencing pain." And she runs. Three times a week. She said every step is painful, but she does it.
I figured, if she can do it, so can I.
Soooo... yesterday, I tried. I picked one of the the easiest routes in town. A 3.8k flat trail around a lake, half with a boardwalk, half with crushed stone. Indeed, for a runner, this seems pretty easy. And for a non-runner, it seems like a wonderful run. For me, I just wanted to finish it. And then not have pain afterwards.
I started very slow and easy. It felt good. But, I really felt like I was holding back. I wanted to go faster, let it flow.. but I wouldn't, in fear I wouldn't last or I'd hurt myself.
Then something different happened. I have had some issues with my knees, but they haven't caused me to not run. One time a lady who performed healing touch on me said I need to take care of my right knee. I was surprised because I'd had some minor issues with my left knee but never any problems with my right knee. Until yesterday.
My knee began popping. Every time my heel hit the ground it popped. The longer I went, the more it popped... and it began to hurt each time. I shook it out. I stopped and stretched. I swore. I even texted my husband and told him how frustrated I was. He lovingly asked if walking might help.
I walked a bit. Ran a few steps... pop, pop, pop. F**k. I said it out loud, and I think someone heard me. Then my mind spiral kicked in...
Seriously? I can't even run 2k now? Really? No wonder I've gained weight. No wonder I'm tired all the time. I can't exercise because I'm going to hurt something. And if I put my knee out, how will I care for my family and practice yoga and hike - the only physical things I can do at this time - without hurting myself? I will gain even more weight. I will be even more tired.
Really? Am I seriously going down this path of thought because I have a popping knee? !!!
Then I remembered what the lady in Mindfulness class told me. And I said to myself, "There is something inside me experiencing pain and telling me I have pain." I realized how much fear I had about this. I didn't want to hurt my knee. But I also knew this was a bit of an irrational fear. I'd never had a knee problem before. What are the chances my knee is going to totally give out?
I changed how I ran. I began engaging my quad muscles as I landed and this was working. My knee wouldn't pop. Then my left hip hurt. Then I walked a bit more.
At some point, I decided to run faster and stronger, rather than gentle and easy. And it worked. My knee stopped popping. I ran the rest of the way around the lake. I splashed in the mud while other walkers and runners gingerly stepped around the mud puddles. I felt strong.
I finished my run. I wanted to go further, but I knew that was not the answer. Like I tell my clients... baby steps. I decided to just be with what it was. It was a horrible run in so many ways. But it was a run. I did it. And I felt OK at the end. My heart rate hardly went up, but my muscles felt it (oh, how quickly our muscles can deteriorate!). And I trained my mind a little more. So it was a great run too.
What is fabulous is that I began my run wondering if I could do it. I ended it knowing I can. I need to take a different approach than I ever did before. But I can do this. Maybe not every day. Maybe not long distance. Maybe not fast. Maybe with more self care than needed in the past. But I'm transitioning, and my running is proof of it.
And today, I have slightly sore quad muscles. Yes, after about only 3k of running. What a great feeling! :)
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