Fast forward to two years ago. My family and I went on a ski/snowboard vacation in New Hampshire. We'd been there before and loved it. We typically spent about 4-5 consecutive days on the hills of two different resorts. It was magnificent. We really found a special kind of joy in these experiences. Until that year.
If you follow me, you know I experience chronic pain. About three years ago, it started to get worse. I managed to get through life in dull pain but never having to negotiate any of my physical activities. Until that year.
After my first day boarding, I thought I was done. I managed a 1/2 day the following couple of days. I think I took a day off. And on my final day, I changed to skis. I was falling and my neck was in so much pain that I succumbed to taking pain killers (something I rarely do... except when boarding). I just couldn't do it anymore. The magic was gone. So I hopped on a pair of skis.
Skiing was dreadful. I couldn't find my ski legs. It had been several years since I'd been on them. Fear of hurting myself built up inside me. I had never been afraid of a ski hill... until then.
It was my last time on a ski hill until this past weekend. I just couldn't bring myself to go last year. As my husband and I glided along in the ski lift, my heart actually started to pound. I was nervous!?!? I'd been excited in the past. But this was different. I was full of fear that I wasn't going to make it down the hill.
The first ride was a bit tough. I had to stop several times. I went slow. I felt like a beginner (although I wasn't falling so all was well).
The second ride was better. The third ride was joyful. I turned on my tunes and flowed down the hill in harmony with the snow and music. I rested when I needed to, maybe once. And I stopped comparing myself to how I once was. I stopped trying to be a great snowboarder and started just being the snowboarder enjoying the slow transcendence down the hill. The remainder of the day was more of the same.
I was beginning to break the chains that were binding me for two years. I was enjoying the moment. I was managing my body. I was doing what I could and not forcing it to be different. And I wasn't afraid anymore.
I had a 1/2 day on the hill. That was it. I was wiped afterwards. The next day I was sore and tired. But it was a breakthrough! It was worth it.
I reminded myself that I need to be where I am... but I also need to find the cracks and break the chains. I felt like I was learning a lesson on the hill from my mat (yoga mat). Stirum sukum - steady and easy. A yoga pose is best when steady and easy. My boarding was best when it was steady and easy. I couldn't force anything more than what I could do, but I could push just to the limit.
At the end of the day, I had forgotten I was fearful of the hill earlier that day. I felt like I had overcome a huge hurdle. It was just the beginning, but that's how the chains that bind us are broken. One clasp at a time.
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