Discipline is Not a Dirty Word

As much as I create goals for myself and accomplish them, I struggle with being disciplined.  It's like I have a block.  So... in my quest for self-mastery, last month I decided I was going to focus on improving my discipline.  It's no longer a dirty word (if you know me professionally, you know how I do not like the word 'discipline' for managing performance:).

I chose to be more disciplined with my running.  And guess what?  I managed to increase my frequency and endurance from a weekly 10-12k to 2-3 runs per week and a 20k!  Success due to INTENT!  This weekend I'll run a 1/2 marathon.  My first.  Interestingly, though, that's not my goal... my goal is to run a 20k, very hilly race in October.  It's more difficult than the 21.1k half marathon I'll run this coming Sunday.  And so, my discipline must continue.  I can't let it go after Sunday's race, which is so typical of me.

Discipline.  I struggle with it.  I just ate chips for my morning snack!  So now that I got my running kinda sorta under control.... kinda.... sorta.... I want to become more disciplined with my meals.  I skipped breakfast for many years.  Yep... I'm the one that worked through lunch too... maybe grabbing a banana and eating it at my desk.... oh and coffee... lots of coffee.  And then while preparing supper, I ate everything in sight... that is if I managed to get home in time to prepare supper.  My daughter was at the dance studio all the time so I just worked in a coffee shop while she danced... and I drank more coffee.  Then we'd have late supper and probably get take out.  Amazingly, I studied Dietetics and KNOW how bad these habits are.

For the past two years, I've been working on preparing meals.  Yep.  Two years.  And I just ate chips at 11 a.m.!  Yes.... discipline.  That's how it goes, hey?  I once read that self-discipline is like training a muscle.  Train it and it becomes stronger.  Don't train it and it weakens.  I guess I started with a very, very weak meal preparation muscle (hard to believe this, but I'm actually a good cook).

I used to beat myself up that I wasn't self-disciplined.  As a child, teen, and young adult, I was lucky enough that things often came easily to me... I received good grades with minimal effort.  I was blessed with a fairly good metabolism so could indulge and not gain weight (not so now!).  I learned new things quickly.  I increased athletic ability fast.  I was labeled a 'natural' in my musical talent.  I was the youngest in my class to be selected for ballet exams.  I didn't have to work really hard to get what I wanted.  But not exercising my discipline meant it weakened.  My talents and abilities did not grow.  And the beating up began.  For years.  But that's over now.  Phew!  And so is not having to work hard to get what I want.

So I'm continuing to work on self-discipline with my running and meals.  And this month, I've also added another item to my 'self-mastery' list: reduce or eliminate negative conversations.  It's amazing how one can be called a 'positive person' yet have so many negative conversations.......

Namaste

Another Road

Ego:

I've been unemployed for 2 1/2 months in a so-called booming economy.  And it took a long time to get a job in Singapore.  And when I finally got a job, it was awful, really.  And when I got a job here in NL, I got laid off... and it wasn't doing what I wanted to do in the first place.  I've had a few interviews and I haven't secured a job.  I must not be employable.  I don't have anything to offer an organization.  I really wanted that job from the last interview..... what will I do?????  I can't get a job I want.  I can't even seem to get a job I don't want.  I need to make an income.  But my soul will wither if I don't enjoy my work.

Self:

I've had plenty of time to think about where I want to be in my career.  Funnily, all that time has made me realize I was heading in the wrong direction.  The last interview I had was for a job I really wanted.... and the interviewer told me I was a great match, but the person who got the job had education in a specialized area that I didn't have.  I do have the practical experience... and lots of education.... it shouldn't take too much to get up to speed.  I have a goal..... here I come!  Who knows where this will lead!

This is the conversation in my head these days.  It's more focused on the one from 'self'.... but I can't deny that the one from 'ego' creeps in at times.  It's true, though.  I'm unemployed and jobs that are a match for me where I live are scarce.  But in looking for work, I have narrowed down what I want to be when I grow up!  Funny how that is, hey?

My 18 year old started university this week.  And, it looks like I might be doing the same in the near future.  Again.  For the fourth time (already have two degrees and 3/4 of a third one).  I'm actually pretty pumped about figuring it all out.

So, here I am, beginning another career I guess.  But not really.  It's all related and my background is valuable for where I'm headed.... but it's still starting something new.  Without  my husband, it couldn't be.  Well, it could.  But it would take longer.  And it would be a much bigger struggle (I know because I've done that before too).  I'm so grateful for him... for a variety of reasons, of course.  But I digress...

My search for where to go to school and what program and what format and how long has begun.  I'll dabble in some part-time writing and consulting, but unless the right job opportunity 1) crosses my path and 2) becomes mine, then it's school for me... as long as that ego doesn't get in my way!

Wow... who would have thought............... life is pretty amazing.  And how easily the ego can strip away our dreams....

Namaste

The Bride, The Groom, and The Missing Cake

I'm married!!!!!  And our wedding happened via a series of cancellations and serendipitous events.  It could not have been more perfect.

It all started eight months ago when we were venue shopping.  We decided on a location that was old and different and magnificent... but it needed a huge amount of decorating.  We would manage our own bar.  We would get the family to help decorate.  We'd hire caterers and have live bands play on stage..... it was dreamy.  A couple of weeks later we learned construction would be taking place at that location at the time of the wedding!  Eeeep!

And there it all began.

We called a venue we thought would be nice.  Apparently, it's not so easy to book venues for weddings seven months before your wedding.  Who knew?  They had just had a cancellation on the date we wanted it.  Phew!  It turns out that venue was MUCH LESS work.  A couple of hours of family helping out and that was it.  Definitely less stress than our first choice.

Actually, it began earlier than the venue.... it began with the dress.  I took my daughter prom dress shopping in Halifax.  She and my best friend begged me to go into a bridal gown shop.... I finally agreed and did not like one dress in the entire shop.  But I humored them and tried on a few.  At about the fifth dress, I found it!  It was perfect.  And it was on sale!  Like... really, really on sale!  Woohoooooo!!!!!

As we planned the wedding bit by bit, things were falling into place but some things weren't as fast as others.  About three weeks before the wedding, we had no photographer.  So I searched online and found one that I liked.  I emailed him with the wrong date.  He said he was available.  HOWEVER, when we realized the date had been wrong, he said he WAS NOT available that date..... BUT, he just had a cancellation and could then be available!  I kid you not!  A week before the wedding, my cousin asks who's doing my photography.  My response.... "Some guy..... I think his name is Nate Gates."  Her response.... "WHAT?  NATE GATES?!  He is THE wedding photographer!  People plan their weddings around him!"  Who knew?!?!

So then there was the room.  I booked a large room... a suite... for the guys to get ready in and then we'd stay there that night.  They wouldn't let us reserve an early check-in until a couple of days before the wedding so we weren't even sure it would be available for the guys.  It turns out the early check-in was fine... AND we got an upgrade!  Big huge room with a Jacuzzi (which we were too tired to use), a view of the St. John's narrows, and free breakfast (which we missed due to getting up too late:)!

Oh... then there was the make-up.  My daughter and I were going to get our make-up done.  But I booked it too late, of course, and the salon was completely booked that day.  We then decided my daughter would do my make-up, and honestly, it's the best make-up job anyone could have done.  She was awesome!  And it was special to have her do my make-up on my wedding day.

It didn't end there.  The people who had a wedding at our venue the night before us left their vases of flowers, which were absolutely gorgeous.... and we used them!  We didn't have video planned and my brother got the ceremony on video.  My mom was late for her hair appointment and her hair dresser couldn't take her.  She got in with someone else because they just had a cancellation!  We forgot to arrange a receiving line, and at the last minute, at the end of the ceremony, the officiator asked if we wanted to do it then and there.  That went smoothly and perfectly.  It was supposed to rain.... but it didn't....well, it sprinkled a little but not much... and the overcast day was perfect photography weather.  Everything that could have been perceived at a dilemma was made better.

Of course, you can't have a wedding without a few mishaps.

When we arrived in our hotel room and we were about to crash.... I realized something.... I had no overnight bag.  No clothes.  No shoes.  No cleaning supplies.  No MAKE-UP REMOVER!  What is a bride to do???  Well... wash her face with soap (that was the worst part) and wear her new husband's clothes the next day, of course!  Because I had to wear Terry's flip flops...which were way too big but the clothes almost fit.... Terry had to wear a spare pair of shoes he had tucked away in his bag.  He hadn't worn them in a while.... and he found a head lamp we'd lost and had been looking for since last year!!!  Serious.

On our way home after our wedding bliss, we stopped into our venue to pick up a few supplies we'd left there the night before.  And this one takes the cake......

We packed our things into our car.  We had an amazing three layer cake.... of which two layers were returned to us.  A cake was missing!  Through the rigs and the reels, it was concluded that someone must have stolen the cake.  That was not all.  A big bag of candy was also missing!  We have yet to see any of it.

And the moral of all this is this...

We are happy.  No missing cake could ever change how happy we are.  We have made a beautiful step in our relationship and are grateful for wonderful friends and family with whom we celebrated.  And if someone had a sweet tooth big enough to take a cake and a bag of candy, they should be the one who eats it.  (We still have cake.... and we are going to eat it too!)

Namaste

Race for....

There is a 10-mile running race in St. John's, NL, called the Tely 10.  It started in 1922.  It's one of the oldest races in North America and has grown from around a dozen participants to nearly 3000 last year.  I've run the race three times and am training for my fourth.

Training.  Ha!  So I've dabbled in running since I was 18, never quite making it to an official 'runner'.  In my 20s, I could run fast.  Now, I'm very slow, but manage longer distances.... sometimes.  I haven't run over 10k in over two years.  Yesterday, I ran 11k.  It felt great, and I still have 5k left to go.  I started my 'training' a little over a week ago, running a mere 7.5k and wondering how on earth I was going to ramp it up to 16k in 4 weeks.

Well, I found the answer.

Yes, you have to get the miles in.  Yes, you have to be consistent.  Yes, you need to push yourself. You need to commit.  But underneath all of this is motivation.  Some people are motivated by getting more fit.  Some are motivated by competition - getting faster, winning the race, beating their spouse.  For me, these are short-term motivators.  I have a marathon on my vision board, but I need that underlying motivation.

Yesterday, as I ran, I passed a little girl who was walking with a lady that was likely her mom.  She was around 7 years old.  She wore a pretty floral baseball cap over her bald head.  When I passed, I glanced at her (which I rarely do when I'm running) and her eyes were sunken with dark circles... but a light shone from them because she was obviously happy to be outside in the sun walking with her mom and enjoying the simplicity and beauty of life.  She looked like a chemo patient.  And I thought about how lucky I am to have my health and the ability to run.  So many people around me have the dreaded C disease or other ailments.  I felt a surge of power and inspiration from this little girl who probably hardly noticed me pass.  And I somehow ran past the 60 minute mark... past the 10k mark.... making it home feeling good.

I'm not saying my heart didn't pound at times, my muscles didn't burn, and it wasn't hard.  It will be tough for me to run 16k in a couple of weeks.  But I have my motivation.  My health.  My ability.  My life.  My family.  That little girl.

Namaste

My Living Your Moksha

I recently participated in Living Your Moksha - a 7-week on and off the yoga mat challenge that follows the 7 pillars of moksha yoga http://mokshayoga.ca/livingyourmoksha/.  Every week you receive emails and Facebook updates and inspirations to help you on your journey.  Each participant donates $10, which goes towards Free The Children  http://www.freethechildren.com/, and the movement raised almost $100,000 - enough to build 7 schools in 7 countries!

I started a week late.  I admit it was tough to do with starting a new job, the baby 10-12 months old during the challenge, my teen graduating from highschool, and my mother-in-law (soon-to-be) sick.  But everyone has 'stuff' in their life so I decided to attempt it anyway.

I had limited success... or at least that was my original thought.

Week 1: Be Healthy

Sounds easy.  Not.  This challenge meant no processed foods, yoga everyday, and remove all toxins in your home.  How did I fare?   Well, cut me some slack... I did week 1 and week 2 at the same time because I started late.  However, I probably fared 3/10 on the processed foods that week (probably worse than normal!) and 2/7 on the yoga everyday - which given my life at the moment, I was OK with.  I chose not to remove the toxins from my home... this meant throwing away all of the cleaning supplies and replacing with natural products.  Given one of the pillars is Live Green, I decided to use the products I currently have and work harder at purchasing more green cleaning products as they run out... which I've been doing.  I can't bring myself to use vinegar and water to clean... I used that mix at KFC when I worked there in 1986 and I have too many memories.....

I beat myself up over my seemingly inability to commit to no processed foods.  Many years ago I studied dietetics and was a bit of a health nut... hence, being unsuccessful with this really drove me insane.  One of the reasons I say above to 'cut me some slack' is because I know I have to do that for myself.

Week 2: Be Accessible

This is about active listening and reflecting at the end of each day by writing in a journal.  I was incredibly conscious of my listening skills that week!  I made extra efforts to be present and really listen to my daughter, partner, parents, friends, and strangers (one that I don't always put so much effort into).  I found it quite empowering actually.  I didn't reflect at the end of each day so much.... I usually plop into bed and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow - I do have a 12 month old you know!  But I did mentally assess how I was doing.

I felt good after week 2.  In fact, while attempting to listen more, I also found myself being available more.  I made extra efforts to visit my parents.  Consciously being accessible made me less self-absorbed.  It was an excellent lesson.... and I try to go back to that week now when I'm feeling overwhelmed... which is often a result of thinking about myself too much.

Week 3: Live Green

Green your plate.  Eat only vegetarian or vegan and only locally produced food.  Reduce your waste to zero for seven days.  Soooo..... I ate vegetarian at least twice a day and sometimes more.  Finding things to cook and having the ingredients on hand was a pain.  We also tried to reduce waste as much as possible.  I can't say I get a 10/10 on this.  But we're all more conscious of waste and living green and we're making baby steps towards a greener life.

What I liked about this challenge was that I got the whole family involved.  And by week 3, I realized that it was OK not to get 10/10... it was about progressing through the baby steps... not so different from anything in life.  I also found myself reading more about the environment during this week.  So it wasn't all about being vegetarian.  Not for me anyway.  I realized I need to plan my life a bit more.  Oh, I know... plan my life.... I'm a spur of the moment, spontaneous kind of girl!  But I need more structure in order to have more freedom.  And this week taught me that.

Week 4: Sangha Support

The challenge was to commit one or more acts of kindness each day.  You could also bring a friend to yoga for free to share the benefits of yoga.  I brought my daughter to yoga that week.  She loved it!  She'd done yoga in Singapore and thought it was nuts.... I believe she did Kundalini yoga.  But doing Ashtanga yoga was something she could better relate to and enjoy.  I loved sharing my passion with my daughter AND having her love it too!

Now, the acts of kindness I completed were not anything special.  I found myself letting people turn in traffic and leaving my change for the clerk more than normal.  I realized I was not so bad in the kindness area.... but could improve on it for sure.  There's a fantastic list of 29 ideas for random acts of kindness here http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/29-ways-to-carry-out-random-acts-of-kindness-every-day.html.  I have to admit that I do some of them and it feels fantabulous!!!   Since this week I have caught myself in situations to be kind and acting differently because I'm more aware of it.

Week 5: Outreach

Volunteer one hour of your time this week.  OK, so I didn't do this.  I scored 0/10!  I guess it just needs to be the right time in your life.  I did think about it, though.... and I even asked a question about volunteering for something.  Let's just say it got me thinking.  I have volunteered for many things in the past, but I haven't committed long-term to anything I'm really passionate about.  So... I thought.

Part of the learning this week was how do I serve others (karma yoga)?  I realized that I spend a chunk of my time every week reaching out to friends.  I give advice and guidance and I lend a shoulder and an ear.  I've always done this and I love doing it.  I like being able to be responsive to the people in my life.  I don't want to give that up.  I'm still thinking about how I can add a more structured volunteer activity.  I'm not sure I need to at this point.  I would not want to reduce my presence in my loved ones' lives... unless they wanted that of course!  There are days!  :)

Week 6: Live to Learn

Read 30 minutes a day and 2 hours on the weekend.  Go for a walk every day with an undetermined destination and observe nature.  I'm trying to recall that week.... oh yeah.... busy, busy, busy.  That was the week my baby was brought to the doc twice and the hospital once and we learned she had pneumonia.  I probably didn't do so well with the challenge that week.  But I do this stuff.  Frequently.  I have been challenged with fitting it all in, but I do read and observe nature.

I would like to take on this challenge again.  What I DID learn was to listen... and I thought I was such a good listener!!!  Terry wanted to bring the baby to the doc earlier and I didn't.  My first daughter and I don't really get sick... hardly ever... and she was a very healthy baby... almost never sick.  So I want my second daughter to be the same.  My learning.... she's not my first child.  When she's sick... we need to accept that and deal with it.  I found this very challenging at work because I had to leave work a lot that week.  I still struggle with the whole work-life balance thing.....

Week 7: Be Peace

Practice one hour of silence every day.  Oh how I love this!  I love having silence every day.  I am more balanced and feel healthier when I do it.  I was not good with it that week though.  I don't have an excuse... not that any above reasons are excuses:)  I just didn't do it.  I tried a couple of times and fell asleep.

And that was the end.  But not really - not even close!  I'm more aware of where I need to put my energy.  I'm more in love with yoga.  And I contributed towards 7 schools being built in 7 countries that need them.  Moksha means freedom.  Having completed this challenge, I feel even more free to be me and also to strengthen parts of me.

Namaste

Little Hands

Babies hands are so little.  Yet they can lift so much.

Last week was a tough one for Terry's family.  One of my earlier posts, Here's Mud In Your Eye, disclosed that Terry's mom has cancer.  She's been fighting it since last summer.  First a surgery.  Then chemo.  An infection.  More chemo.  Sickness.  Loss of appetite.  Weak legs.  Weight loss.  Weight gain!    Appetite back!  Feeling good.  Getting out.  Weight loss again.  Dehydration.  A few overnights in the hospital.  And then last week, she was so sick that we wondered what's next - if anything.  After a diagnosis of thrush and treatment thereof, she is improving.  Slightly each day.  Everyone is relieved.  And although there are many unknowns, we all know what's in store.

The whole family was called and we were all in Central Newfoundland this weekend.  Everyone's emotions and stress levels are high.  Everyone wants the best care for their mom.  And nobody has the answers everyone wants.  But when our baby enters the room, all attention is switched from the heaviness of the situation to the beautiful lightness of baby giggles, first steps (Yes!  First steps last week!), and bright, curious eyes.  Our little girl lifted everyone's spirits and gave the minds in the room a rest.  And Nanny's face smiled.

The next few months will be difficult.  What comes after that is unknown.  But our baby's little hands will be there to lift us all when we need it.

Do You Hear Me Calling?

Last week I went to The Dance Centre's end of the year recital - On With The Show.  My daughter danced there for 11 years, after a year of dance in Halifax.  When we moved to Singapore, she danced a little bit, but nothing compared to her dedicated past 12 years of practice.

This year, she started back at The Dance Centre with fewer classes than her previous seven or eight per week but a fire in her soul.  Within three months, she quit.  Sadness followed.  Maybe more for me than her.  Slowly, I accepted that my daughter was not dancing even though I KNEW it was her passion.

I was so knowing, you see, because I did the same thing at about the same age.  I didn't go to a dance concert for years following my departure from my passion.  It plucked my soul strings too hard - it hurt.  So when my wise daughter asked me to go to the dance concert with her, I was a little shocked.  I figured she'd follow the same path I did... waiting years to return to dance.... then not having the same skills and struggling through the acceptance that you're not really a very good dancer anymore.

No.  She went to the show - twice.  She thoroughly enjoyed it.  And she figured out her lesson.

My daughter was one of the top dancers in her class and her school.  She was the youngest assistant teacher they had up to that point.  She completed seven ballet exams and was on her eighth when we left the country for adventure.  She danced as many forms of dance as were offered.  She bowed with her fellow beautiful and talented dancers and teachers at the end of each show she and they performed.  She received flowers from the studio and hugs from her little ones she helped teach.  She dedicated herself to practicing hard.  When not at the studio, she flitted around the house with joy.  She made her mother proud and she filled her soul.  So the day she told me she was leaving dance, I was shocked.

At the show last week, I was wiping tears... for two reasons: 1) because my daughter was grown up and had worked so hard at this passion and then left it; and 2) because I also did not have dance in my life at this time.  As we walked to the car flowerless and costumeless, I asked my daughter if there were no constraints would she dance again.  Yes.  Absolutely.  And here's the lesson.

My wise child tells me that she realizes she left dance because she wasn't one of the best in the class anymore.  She lost some skills while her fellow dancers continued to grow theirs.  She was a little embarrassed maybe... a little proud... a lot disappointed.  BUT.... she has a plan and dance will be in her life again.

My grown up daughter has the same calling as me.  It's not too late for me to fill my soul with dance again.  But, I have so many things in my life that a dedication to dance isn't quite in the cards right now.  For my daughter, she has learned her lesson much earlier than me.

When you hear your calling, your soul would really appreciate it if you listened.

Namaste