The Magic of Music and Mindfulness

It had been a few years since I last saw the symphony.  I have always love going to the symphony.. in fact, I love almost any kind of arts and culture and theatre.  But music and dance are... my thing.  So, when I go to the symphony, I realllly love it.

My husband and I went to the Newfoundland Symphony Orchestra a couple of nights ago and something magical happened.

I have been purposely practicing mindfulness and meditation now for several years.  As the years go by, I get even more committed.  Changes are definitely occurring.  They are often quite subtle, and one might not even notice unless they compare how different a reaction might have been in a similar situation five years ago.  But every now and again, you feel the difference.  You know you have created new pathways in your brain.  Your old conditioning is falling away.  

The evening began with a reception.  I was underdressed for the reception - most of the ladies wore dresses and gowns, while I wore pants, blouse, and shawl - at least I had heels and bright red lipstick on:)  I was there for the music, though, and it really didn't bother me.  Once we were seated in the auditorium, the orchestra played 'Oh Canada'. The audience stood in pride... and that was the beginning.  I got goosebumps. 

Whenever I hear 'Oh Canada', I feel a sense of community.  I am reminded of our great country and how privileged I am to live here.  So to get goosebumps was not unexpected.  But what happened next was.

Cory Tetford joined the NSO that night.  His first set was mostly gospel music, and his first song was 'Amazing Grace'.  It touched my soul.  Goosebumps times 10.  I closed my eyes momentarily so I could absorb the music without visual distractions.  Ever do that?  It can be truly amazing and full of grace.

So wow.  Big applause.  Feeling good.... and the next few songs made me smile.  I smiled out of appreciation and wow.  I watched a guy be completely in tune with his cello and a drummer become part of the rhythm.  I could hear each instrument as it chimed in, and each one struck me like I'd never heard it before and it was the most outstanding sound I'd ever heard.

Then Shelly Neville came on stage and joined Cory and the NSO.  She's a local celebrity.  We all know how beautiful her voice is.  That's when I realized I am in the middle of magic.  My eyes welled up and the tears began to flow.  I was in a state of awe.  The fullness of the orchestra, the harmony of the voices, and the energy... the magic... enveloped me.  And I didn't care what anyone thought.  I was just in that moment.  And it was perfect.

The remainder of the evening saw more amazing talent with Barney Bentall and Mark Critch (comedian).  A new (beautiful, heart-warming, touching) song written by Cory and Alan Doyle was performed for the first time in public.  I cried a few more times.  The lyrics were brilliant.  The music was phenomenal.  The talent was outstanding.

But most of all, I took it all in.  I allowed myself to close my eyes and feel the music... the energy... the vibrations.  I experienced it.  I opened to it... and not only did it flow in, but it burst out too.  

Music really is good for the soul.  When you are mindful, you take it all in and it fills you up.  My husband and I both had a similar experience that night.  We carried on our night talking about how important it is to allow those moments in.  Life is short and full... and taking the time and allowing yourself to really fill up your soul with music is no different than filling your car with gas.  

It was magic.  We were both incredibly mindful of that.  Maybe we will purchase seasonal tickets next year.

Metamorphosis: It was the best of runs, it was the worst of runs

I can count on my two hands the number of times I have run in the past 2 1/2 years.  After an injury in a half marathon, another injury three weeks later in the famous local 20k hilly run - Cape to Cabot, and the onset of chronic pain and fatigue, every run put me out for days.  And I had a toddler to care for.

So I essentially gave up running (among other things).

Last week, I participated in some more Mindfulness training (which was awesome... more on that later).  Another participant mentioned that she was in excruciating pain when she ran; however, she read a book in which the author spoke about being mindful of the pain as something separate from you.  She now says to herself, "Something inside me is experiencing pain." And she runs.  Three times a week.  She said every step is painful, but she does it.

I figured, if she can do it, so can I.

Soooo... yesterday, I tried.  I picked one of the the easiest routes in town.  A 3.8k flat trail around a lake, half with a boardwalk, half with crushed stone.  Indeed, for a runner, this seems pretty easy. And for a non-runner, it seems like a wonderful run.  For me, I just wanted to finish it.  And then not have pain afterwards.

I started very slow and easy.  It felt good.  But, I really felt like I was holding back.  I wanted to go faster, let it flow.. but I wouldn't, in fear I wouldn't last or I'd hurt myself.

Then something different happened.  I have had some issues with my knees, but they haven't caused me to not run.  One time a lady who performed healing touch on me said I need to take care of my right knee.  I was surprised because I'd had some minor issues with my left knee but never any problems with my right knee.  Until yesterday.

My knee began popping.  Every time my heel hit the ground it popped.  The longer I went, the more it popped... and it began to hurt each time.  I shook it out.  I stopped and stretched.  I swore.  I even texted my husband and told him how frustrated I was.  He lovingly asked if walking might help.

I walked a bit.  Ran a few steps... pop, pop, pop.  F**k.  I said it out loud, and I think someone heard me.  Then my mind spiral kicked in...

Seriously?  I can't even run 2k now?  Really?  No wonder I've gained weight.  No wonder I'm tired all the time.  I can't exercise because I'm going to hurt something.  And if I put my knee out, how will I care for my family and practice yoga and hike - the only physical things I can do at this time - without hurting myself?  I will gain even more weight.  I will be even more tired.

Really?  Am I seriously going down this path of thought because I have a popping knee?  !!!

Then I remembered what the lady in Mindfulness class told me.  And I said to myself, "There is something inside me experiencing pain and telling me I have pain."  I realized how much fear I had about this.  I didn't want to hurt my knee.  But I also knew this was a bit of an irrational fear.  I'd never had a knee problem before.  What are the chances my knee is going to totally give out?

I changed how I ran.  I began engaging my quad muscles as I landed and this was working.  My knee wouldn't pop.  Then my left hip hurt.  Then I walked a bit more.

At some point, I decided to run faster and stronger, rather than gentle and easy.  And it worked.  My knee stopped popping.  I ran the rest of the way around the lake.  I splashed in the mud while other walkers and runners gingerly stepped around the mud puddles.  I felt strong.

I finished my run. I wanted to go further, but I knew that was not the answer.  Like I tell my clients... baby steps.  I decided to just be with what it was.  It was a horrible run in so many ways.  But it was a run.  I did it. And I felt OK at the end.  My heart rate hardly went up, but my muscles felt it (oh, how quickly our muscles can deteriorate!).  And I trained my mind a little more.  So it was a great run too.

What is fabulous is that I began my run wondering if I could do it.  I ended it knowing I can.  I need to take a different approach than I ever did before.  But I can do this.  Maybe not every day.  Maybe not long distance.  Maybe not fast.  Maybe with more self care than needed in the past.  But I'm transitioning, and my running is proof of it.

And today, I have slightly sore quad muscles.  Yes, after about only 3k of running.  What a great feeling! :)

Breaking the Chains that Bind Us

I learned to snowboard about eight years ago.  I fell down a lot at first, but when I learned how to transition from side to side, it was magical.  I flowed down the hills with snow sprinkling in my face.  I even managed to learn how to jump...  a little bit.  It was like a ride of freedom.  I thought I'd never return to a pair of skis.

Fast forward to two years ago.  My family and I went on a ski/snowboard vacation in New Hampshire.  We'd been there before and loved it.  We typically spent about 4-5 consecutive days on the hills of two different resorts.  It was magnificent.  We really found a special kind of joy in these experiences.  Until that year.

If you follow me, you know I experience chronic pain.  About three years ago, it started to get worse. I managed to get through life in dull pain but never having to negotiate any of my physical activities. Until that year.

After my first day boarding, I thought I was done.  I managed a 1/2 day the following couple of days. I think I took a day off.  And on my final day, I changed to skis.  I was falling and my neck was in so much pain that I succumbed to taking pain killers (something I rarely do... except when boarding).  I just couldn't do it anymore.  The magic was gone.  So I hopped on a pair of skis.

Skiing was dreadful.  I couldn't find my ski legs.  It had been several years since I'd been on them. Fear of hurting myself built up inside me.  I had never been afraid of a ski hill... until then.

It was my last time on a ski hill until this past weekend.  I just couldn't bring myself to go last year. As my husband and I glided along in the ski lift, my heart actually started to pound.  I was nervous!?!? I'd been excited in the past.  But this was different.  I was full of fear that I wasn't going to make it down the hill.

The first ride was a bit tough.  I had to stop several times.  I went slow.  I felt like a beginner (although I wasn't falling so all was well).

The second ride was better.  The third ride was joyful.  I turned on my tunes and flowed down the hill in harmony with the snow and music.  I rested when I needed to, maybe once.  And I stopped comparing myself to how I once was.  I stopped trying to be a great snowboarder and started just being the snowboarder enjoying the slow transcendence down the hill.  The remainder of the day was more of the same.

I was beginning to break the chains that were binding me for two years.  I was enjoying the moment. I was managing my body.  I was doing what I could and not forcing it to be different.  And I wasn't afraid anymore.

I had a 1/2 day on the hill.  That was it.  I was wiped afterwards.  The next day I was sore and tired. But it was a breakthrough!  It was worth it.

I reminded myself that I need to be where I am... but I also need to find the cracks and break the chains.  I felt like I was learning a lesson on the hill from my mat (yoga mat).  Stirum sukum - steady and easy.  A yoga pose is best when steady and easy.  My boarding was best when it was steady and easy.  I couldn't force anything more than what I could do, but I could push just to the limit.

At the end of the day, I had forgotten I was fearful of the hill earlier that day.  I felt like I had overcome a huge hurdle.  It was just the beginning, but that's how the chains that bind us are broken.  One clasp at a time.

Why Meditation is Important for Being Mindful

I have spoken to or taught many groups about mindful living, mindfulness in the workplace, meditation, and mindful leadership.  Something common to all participants is that most are not willing to begin a practice of meditation any time soon.

Even after a 4-hour workshop, I ask how many people will begin a meditation practice, and most people say they think it's a good practice but they don't think they will begin one (and the many excuses begin).  I offer a free 30-day meditation challenge, and typically about 25% of the participants open most or all emails.

Why is this?

Well, meditation is a habit, like anything else.  It's difficult to quit sugar, begin an exercise program, or consistently take five minutes at the beginning of your work day to plan the day... when these habits are not already habits.  So it is not surprising that taking on a meditation habit is just as difficult.

The other thing I have found interesting is that many people feel they are already mindful.  They feel happy and content enough and do not think they need to meditate because they already 'got it'.  And maybe they do already 'have it'.  In some cases, though, these same people complain, are too busy to spend time with loved ones, are not living the life they want, or live in chaos.  Often, they are operating on autopilot.  The problem is that they do not know it and society is such that this has become the norm.

A runner does not run a marathon without training.  A hockey player does not make it to the NHL or even the community recreational team without practicing skating and shooting skills.  A guitar player does not make the band without practice.

AND.... a mindful person does not become mindful without practicing.

Here's the thing.  Mindfulness IS a practice.  You don't learn it from reading a book or watching a movie or listening to a speaker.  It is learned from your own personal practice, and it is unique to you.  It is experiential. There is no other way to learn it.  And it is a life long way of being.  You don't learn it, put the book down, and then be it.  Mindfulness is the practice itself.

There are a variety of ways to practice, of course, such as yoga, tai chi, journaling, or meditation.  Yoga is actually a form of meditation.  It means unity of mind and body.  The physical aspect of yoga is really a preparation for meditation.  Tai chi is similar.  It is meditation in movement.  Journaling is really a journey into your mind, so, in my opinion, it is a form of meditation as well.

There are many forms of meditation itself - mindfulness meditation being one of them.  It develops mindfulness skills.  Mindfulness meditation trains your brain to become aware of moments, of what is happening, how you are feeling, what the impact of your words or actions are, or how others are responding and feeling.  Mindfulness meditation develops concentration and insight.

Trying to live mindfully without meditating.... well... it is akin to running a marathon without training.  It wouldn't go so well.  You likely would not make it.  Your muscles and heart would not be able to support that distance.  If you tried, your heart will be stressed and you may injure yourself.  This is like saying you are mindful without having a practice.  Your mindful muscles cannot support it because they are not trained to do so.  Hence, the result may be stress, lack of focus, disharmony, and potentially injured relationships.

So we practice.  We meditate.

Mindful meditation does not always feel blissful, although it can.  When we meditate, we dive into all the layers that have covered up our true selves.  We do not always like what we discover.  But mindful meditation helps us become friends with all the things we like and all the things we do not like.  That practice helps us be truly mindful.

Without meditation, you cannot discover these parts of yourself.

Even with practice, though, being mindful does not mean being perfect.  In fact, we begin to see ourselves more clearly as we explore and investigate, and we realize our imperfections.  It is when we can see these, accept them, and continue on the path of mindfulness that we find perfection.  When we are mindful, we continue to make mistakes.  We continue to react when we'd rather respond.  We continue to have human emotions such as jealousy, resentment, and unworthiness.  However, when we are truly mindful, and we meditate, we have tools to become aware of these things and allow them to pass.  We will always have 'imperfections'.  Perfection is in our attitudes and responses and ability to be peaceful in the most chaotic situations.

Meditation is the tool for doing all of this.

8 Ways to Give Presence AND Presents at Christmas

I wrote a blog a couple of years ago about giving your time and appreciation to those you love, work with, and do not know for Christmas - I'll be OM for Christmas.  I still agree with this sentiment.  I remind myself of it at Christmas and every occasion (I wrote about giving presence for Valentine's Day too - Presence for Presents).  Actually, this is a continuous effort in my life.

However, with so much emphasis on giving presence for Christmas, it almost seems a terrible thing to give presents!  Gift giving has almost become taboo.  It is suggested we give our time - yet we are so stretched for time, we sometimes want Christmas to go away.

My take on it is this:

Giving presents is wonderful.  People love to receive them and people love to give them.  When the purpose of a present is appreciation or a symbol of your love, isn't that a wonderful thing?

What I think takes away the spirit of Christmas is when presents become obligatory and take the place of presence.  You give presents because... just because you're supposed to.  Or when the actual present becomes more important than the meaning behind the giving.  Or when the present isn't appreciated because it's not what the person 'wanted' or 'asked for'.  And then... there is no love and attention exchanged in the process.

I love picking out the perfect gift for someone and seeing their face light up when they open it.  I also believe that giving someone your attention is the greatest gift you can give.  So here is what I try to do to keep it all in check... because I do love Christmas...

1. When I feel like purchasing something for someone, I ask myself: Am I purchasing (or making) this present in appreciation for that person or because I want to give them joy?  If yes, purchase.  If no, reconsider.  If the presents feel obligatory, I reassess and sometimes I pass on the purchase if I realize I'm not buying it for the right reasons.  
2. When I am giving someone a present, I make an effort to demonstrate my love and appreciation.  If it's going in the mail, I may write a note.  If it's being given in person, I try to plan a little time together.  If it's in the name of simple joy, I simply give.  For example, I am giving to a little boy this year who barely knows who I am.  But I know the simple act of opening a present is a joyous one for him since he spent several Christmases with very little.
3. I create a reasonable budget.  I have gone overboard on Christmas in the past.  I've gotten caught up in the excitement and spent beyond my means.  What I've learned over the years is that a $5 gift is just as exciting and meaningful as a $500 gift... when the right sentiment is behind it.  So I try to decrease spending while increasing meaning.  It's a little challenge I give myself.  In fact, my husband and I have a little challenge each year to get the cheapest bestest Christmas gift.  One year I wrote him a song.  Another year he gave me a photo calendar with a little surprise experience in each month, for example yoga classes in January.  Last year, we fell down on our creativity and had all store bought presents, but I'm working on it this year:) 
4. I don't overbook my time before and during the Christmas season.  Instead I have lots of open space in my 'schedule' to spend quality time with my loved ones.  I don't try to accept every invitation - unless I can, of course.  I spend my energy sharing beautiful moments with friends and family rather than trying to see everyone for a few minutes and not really get to have a meaningful conversation (which I have done in the past).  It's about quality, not quantity.  And my time is my present in many cases.
5. I make a conscious effort to spend much of my budget on those in need and teach my children to do the same.  There was a time I did not have much money, so my giving in this area was a few items to the food bank.  But you can always give something - even your time.  I have a focus - single parents.  But I also give more generous tips at the coffee shops and bigger donations to the homeless on the streets.  I do this with my children.  My 3 1/2 year old has her first 'Christmas list' this year.  She asked for a toothbrush and raisins.  I then prompted her to ask for Santa to bring something to someone else.  She said, 'bring something to boys and girls.'  Ha!  This is my attempt to foster giving in my toddler.  My oldest has contributed to shoeboxes, Happy Tree presents (gifts for young children in need), the local food bank, and bags of necessities for women's shelters for years.  I have also made efforts to give money to people on the streets when my children are with me.  For me, doing these things means having less money to spend on Christmas stuff.... but it's also quite selfish.  I feel incredible doing it.  It gives me a rush.  I now see my 21 year old being the same way, and THAT is a great present.
6. I have given up on trying to meet social etiquette requirements.  If I manage to pick up a bottle of wine to bring to the host/hostess of an event, fabulous.  If not, I am there.  I give me.  Fabulous, right? 
7. I do not have any expectations.  Although I may put a lot of effort into getting the 'right' gift, it's not about the gift.  It's about the meaning behind the gift.  So, my practical side kicks in - return the gift if you don't like it.  You still enjoyed opening it and you still know I care.
8. I make time by slowing down time.  My presence is the best gift I can give, but I cannot do that when my schedule is too jam packed.  When that happens, and I feel like my mind is spinning, I do tend to drop off the gift and barely say hello.  This just doesn't bode well with me.  So I do my best to fit in my meditation, mindfulness practices, and getting out in nature to reset my mind and focus on what I feel is really important.

Giving gifts is a good thing.  But it is not necessary.  It is also not necessary to give big.  Or to give to everyone.  As a grandma, you probably want to be fair to your grandchildren... I will be like that too. If you aren't happy to go purchase and give the present, maybe it's time to ask if the present has the right meaning behind it.

I am 100% in favour of giving presence for Christmas and every day, and I encourage it and continue to learn to do more of it myself.  But if you want to spend $1000 on an item for someone you love because you think this will give them joy... and you also are giving them your attention and love.... and you have the right budget for it... what's wrong with that?  

The key is to not forget the reason behind the gift and not forget to give what we can give no matter how much money we have - our attention.

<3

Becoming a Mom... Again... Redefined

My girls

This post is long overdue.  When I returned to Canada in 2011 and shifted my blogging from Snippets From Singapore to Going Om, I wasn't quite sure what I would write about.  Several people were following me and enjoying my blogging and were excited to see what was next.  My Aunt told me I should write about becoming a mom... again.... after 40.  But I didn't.

Going Om became about my journey readjusting to life after returning to Canada, with a baby, without a job, and all the challenges and celebrations that life has brought over three years. It was about finding mindfulness in my life.  It was about getting healthy and well while chaos ensued around me.  It was about 'going om'.

But, for me, that was about being a mom... again... after 40... with all its ups and downs.

Because that's my life.  Or at least part of it.  And being a mom at any age with any number of children is more than just being a mom.  Us moms are more than moms.  We are friends and daughters and business owners and wives and yogis and runners and... and... and...

So I decided it was time to write about becoming a mom... again.... because my journey brought me to here.  And that, I believe, is something I had to accept.

I spoke at MoMondays in October 2013 about my experience of being a single mom (see a very short snippet of that here).  It was the beginning of releasing something I didn't know I was holding onto.

I had defined myself as a single mom for 20 years.  I WAS a single mom for 15 years, and then I wasn't.  I then had an awesome partner who shared in parenting.  And then I had another child.  And then I was married.  I had a whole family!  I wasn't a single mom anymore, and I didn't know how to not be one.  It was who I was for almost half of my life.

Over the past year, I have gone through a lot of wellness woes... if you've been following, you have read about a few of them.  A little while ago, I realized some of that was a result of my holding onto the definition of myself - a single mom.  I had an incredibly difficult time letting go of that version of myself because it was all I had.  All of my pride and success came from that.  I was good at it.  I managed it all so well for so long.  That 'fire in my belly' came from wanting the best for my child. And when I could no longer say I'm a single mom, I didn't know who I was.

I love my new life.  I love my husband and my toddler with all of my heart and soul.  I love my grown up daughter so much I could burst.  Amazingly, when I was pregnant on my youngest, I feared I would not have enough love to love her as much as I loved my now grown up child.  HA!  There is NEVER a lack of love.  Love can only grow.  There is always enough and then some.  Lesson number one.

I also feared I would not have time for my oldest's needs.  I would have a baby who is totally dependent on me and how on earth would I continue to devote my energy into my oldest??  Well, that didn't happen either.  First of all, I had a husband who also cared for my baby, my oldest, and me.  (I still am not used to it!)  I had to begin to allow him to do stuff.  Take care of things.  It was normal... it was his share of the work.  He calls it division of labour.  I call it awesome.  Second, my oldest was part of this baby's life - she is not a person separate from the family, and this new family thing can be pretty awesome.  She contributes and she receives.  (Maybe it's a little bit of birth control too:)

All wonderful.

Except that for a long time, I felt guilty about my husband doing things and my oldest daughter not getting 100% of my attention 100% of the time.  If my hubby got up in the night with the baby, I felt like I had fallen down on my job as a mother.  If he cooked supper... I had failed.  If he took care of getting snow tires on the car... yep... I was not worthy.  If my oldest got miffed about me not having the time to drive her to school, I was the worst mom in the world.  She was in university and we have a bus system.... yet, I was so accustomed to taking care of her every need that I didn't know how to let that go (I'm still working on that to be honest).

Crazy, hey?

But that is how it is when you define yourself by something.  I was successful in life because I was able to do it all alone (and quite well at the time).  I managed everything by myself, and was I ever proud of that!  And now I don't do it all alone.  My seemingly only success in life (oh, I know, there were many) is now something I am not successful at - because it doesn't exist.

It's not that I'm not still proud of being a wonderful single mom.  But I have had to go through a process of letting go of it.  I was hanging onto it for dear life... when it was taken away from me, I no longer had anything to be proud of.  I thought.

When I had that ah-ha moment that I was defining myself as being a single mom and I no longer was, I began to fully allow the new awesomeness into my life.  I laugh at my situation a lot - I mean, really... diapers... again.  I embrace having a toddler.  I have a renewed sense of child-like fun.  I am seeing the world through a child's eyes again.  I am actually enjoying bringing her to swimming and dance classes.... I thought I had done it, did it, got the t-shirt... but I'm actually loving it again.  I feared I wouldn't.  But once I embraced it all, instead of fearing it all, it all became so good.  So rich.  So meaningful.

And having a grown up child at the same time is 'da bomb'.

There are so many advantages to having raised a child before you have your next one... sure, yes, babysitting... but I don't expect that.  It's more about knowing that it's all going to be OK.  I don't fret about having the perfect birthday party or having the trendiest toys or the fact that she is not yet toilet trained.  I didn't really fret about that stuff for my oldest either, but I had an underlying worry that my way of parenting would mess her up.  Now, I don't really worry about that.  Because parents do mess up their children.  That's just the way it is.  No matter how hard we try not to, our parents have the greatest impact on us, and that is good... and it can also contribute to our humanly messed up ways - because parents are human too.

The first time around as a parent I used to say, "All you need is love."  And then I'd work really hard at making sure she knew she was loved and I'd worry that maybe something I said or did would have a negative impact on her future... so I'd work harder at being a perfect single mom.

Now, I know all you need is love.

<3

And then I ate Smarties

This morning I woke before my 3-year old.  My husband, Terry, was just leaving for work so we said our lovely good-byes.  I stretched out of bed and lingered over to my yoga mat (it's permanently on my bedroom floor) and completed 10-15 minutes of mindful breathing, stretching, and sun salutations.  Ahhhh... it is going to be a productive and wonderful day.

My toddler woke happy, we read a book, I got her dressed, she didn't fuss over breakfast.  Like, really... this day was going so smoothly! It's because I went to bed early.  That makes all the difference.

My oldest came upstairs - her bedroom/living area is downstairs.  She seems happy as usual, gets breakfast, and then makes a comment about lunch.

Daughter: "I am going to revert back to high school lunches."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Daughter: "Well, I will make a sandwich and have fruit and a granola bar."
Me: thinking... why the granola bar?? What is good about that??  Are you going to make them yourself?  Or do I have to make them? "How is that different from now?"
Daughter: "Well, I often don't eat or end up eating out for lunch."
Me; "So you are going to make your lunch and take it to school with you?"
Daughter: "No."
Me: "So.... what's the difference?"
Daughter: "Oh, never mind.  It does not matter."
Me: thinking to myself.... I'm such a bad mom for not organizing a decent lunch for my daughter....

I think I snarled.

The morning progressed.  I had no extra diapers and the daycare was out of them.  That's OK.... I'll just give the daycare the ones from home and buy more.  My toddler wanted to watch Sesame Street - she was introduced to Sesame Street for the first time a couple of weeks ago when I brought her to the live show, and then she discovered it comes on Netflix!  We were controlling screen watching by only allowing Dora a couple of times a week - she hardly had any screen time before 2 years old.  We were so proud of this feat.... yet now, it seems, we are just giving in to the screen many days when the whining hits and we are too tired to distract her with silliness or games or getting supper ready and simply can't be in the playroom putting a puzzle together AND the kitchen cooking at once.

I finally managed to get my toddler ready to get out the door... with only one trip up the stairs post boots and coat because I forgot an extra pair of pants for daycare (sometimes those trips add up to three or four).  My 21-year old gave me an apology for her words earlier.  I think I snarled again... I was still feeling the affects of my crazy belief that I must be a bad mom.... seriously?  Cracked.  It is the one thing I KNOW I'm good at.

We got to the truck.  My Dad's truck.  We've had it since his surgery and Terry usually drives it so the oldest can have access to a car.  (We all have a vehicle for now and that really does make life easier, although having an efficient public transport system would be really nice.)  My car is in the garage getting snow tires.  Terry needed to drive his car because we forgot to switch the car seat from the car in the garage to his car... so he had to go to the garage on the way to work and get the car seat, so he could pick up the toddler at the end of the day.  Clear as mud.

I am putting my little one in the truck and I bump my head.  Hard.  The sting goes down to my neck and my 21-year old laughs so hard I thought she'd pee.  Under normal circumstances, I'd laugh too.  That really is the best response.  But I didn't.   I'm 5'2" and I hit my head on a truck.  How does that happen?  I almost swore.  I breathed.  Breathe in....... breathe out...... get the 3-year old strapped in and drive.  Just get through this little itty bitty bit of pain and move on.

I get in the driver's seat.  Ahhhh... we're in.  The toddler will make it to daycare before snacktime.

When I begin to drive, I realize the brakes aren't working great (safe but I wasn't used to this truck) and the steering seems to be off.  I can't talk.  I can't get the Dora book my toddler is screaming for.  I can't apologize to my oldest before she gets out of the car.  I'm just focused on not having an accident.

Wtf?  I must focus on driving safely... not NOT having an accident.  That is totally the wrong way of thinking.  Tina.  You must practice what you preach.  Drive safely.  Drive safely.

I got to daycare in time for snack.  Phew!

I got home (my office is in my house).  I forgot to pick up coffee.  My husband had left Halloween treats in the truck (I was unaware of this until I got into the truck).  So I brought a few in the house.

And then I ate Smarties.

Now I can carry on with my productive, wonderful day <3 And let my daughter know I will support her efforts to eat healthier.  Sheesh... all it took was Smarties.