Do You Hear Me Calling?

Last week I went to The Dance Centre's end of the year recital - On With The Show.  My daughter danced there for 11 years, after a year of dance in Halifax.  When we moved to Singapore, she danced a little bit, but nothing compared to her dedicated past 12 years of practice.

This year, she started back at The Dance Centre with fewer classes than her previous seven or eight per week but a fire in her soul.  Within three months, she quit.  Sadness followed.  Maybe more for me than her.  Slowly, I accepted that my daughter was not dancing even though I KNEW it was her passion.

I was so knowing, you see, because I did the same thing at about the same age.  I didn't go to a dance concert for years following my departure from my passion.  It plucked my soul strings too hard - it hurt.  So when my wise daughter asked me to go to the dance concert with her, I was a little shocked.  I figured she'd follow the same path I did... waiting years to return to dance.... then not having the same skills and struggling through the acceptance that you're not really a very good dancer anymore.

No.  She went to the show - twice.  She thoroughly enjoyed it.  And she figured out her lesson.

My daughter was one of the top dancers in her class and her school.  She was the youngest assistant teacher they had up to that point.  She completed seven ballet exams and was on her eighth when we left the country for adventure.  She danced as many forms of dance as were offered.  She bowed with her fellow beautiful and talented dancers and teachers at the end of each show she and they performed.  She received flowers from the studio and hugs from her little ones she helped teach.  She dedicated herself to practicing hard.  When not at the studio, she flitted around the house with joy.  She made her mother proud and she filled her soul.  So the day she told me she was leaving dance, I was shocked.

At the show last week, I was wiping tears... for two reasons: 1) because my daughter was grown up and had worked so hard at this passion and then left it; and 2) because I also did not have dance in my life at this time.  As we walked to the car flowerless and costumeless, I asked my daughter if there were no constraints would she dance again.  Yes.  Absolutely.  And here's the lesson.

My wise child tells me that she realizes she left dance because she wasn't one of the best in the class anymore.  She lost some skills while her fellow dancers continued to grow theirs.  She was a little embarrassed maybe... a little proud... a lot disappointed.  BUT.... she has a plan and dance will be in her life again.

My grown up daughter has the same calling as me.  It's not too late for me to fill my soul with dance again.  But, I have so many things in my life that a dedication to dance isn't quite in the cards right now.  For my daughter, she has learned her lesson much earlier than me.

When you hear your calling, your soul would really appreciate it if you listened.

Namaste

Eye Nose... Eye Nose... Face It Tina... Face It

I had a wonderful friend when I was a teenager who used to say this... "Eye knows, eye knows, face it Tina, face it!"  And now I'm hearing it again.... but from a different source.

Searching for a job can be fun.  It can also be exasperating.  And demotivating.  And frustrating.  And exhausting.

I admit I was very selective in my search.  I applied for maybe 10 jobs since last Fall.  I had three interviews.  I got none of those jobs.  I was applying for positions that I had the qualifications for... I was ready for.  But, indeed, most of them were something different for me...a bit of a leap... a challenge.  I was so ready to take it on!  More responsibility.  Learning new ways of doing things.  A new, less flexible maybe, environment.  A step towards being CEO by the time I'm 50!  Yeah, yeah... I've written it down.

With each job application, I got excited writing my cover letter.  Oh yeah, baby, this is the job for me!  A perfect fit!  I'm envisioning working in this organization.  I got this!

You may see a trend with some of my posts... I get excited about things and confident they are going to happen if I believe it.  But it doesn't always work out that way.

Some greater force got in the way.  An opportunity came to me.  I did not seek it out but I could not say no.  I am working with a small engineering telecommunications company - a boutique - as their Head of Human Resources and Organizational Development.  It sounds grand.... and it is... in this case it means I have to create that whole 'department'.  The company is in a growth stage and has limited HR programming or processes.  It's a side step for me.  BUT... it's flexible.  I get to continue to write.  I get to spend time with my baby.  I can create what I want.  I have a blank slate!  I even still have a bit of time for a bit of consulting work.

My search with the large, more complex, more structured organizations did not work out for me at this time.  I started work last week and it feels so natural.  I like it.  It really is a perfect fit for me right now.

"Eye knows, eye knows, face it, Tina, face it." ~ The Universe

From One Amazing Mom to A Whole Bunch of Others

Today I met up with another 40-something mom  to walk, talk and play (something like stop, drop and roll).  We talked mommy-doms for almost two hours.  This woman is a first time mom in her 40s.  She's a career woman... back to work.  Her little one is super sweet.  She has the same sense of humor she had when she was 20 (we went to school together).  And she's throwing two wonderfully simple birthday parties for her daughter in consideration of differing family needs.  That's one amazing mom.

I have met a few other moms over the past eight months since I've moved home.  One has the absolute cutest baby who was in the top 10 for cutest babies recently.  She is super organized.... like the kind of person that has Christmas completely ready on December 1st (and I swear she did!).  She brings her boy to swimming and the gym and play groups and the great outdoors.  She always has progress photos posted on Facebook for family to see.  She's one amazing mom.

Another mom has managed to use reusable diapers.  She and her baby were stars last week in our local Our Greener Future series (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib3ggCCNnhA&feature=share).  She's an amazing mom for sure.  I mean, I use local veggies as much as possible and make my own baby food from scratch.... and although I had attempted to use reusable diapers with my first child.... I will admit, I did not even try to use them with the second.

There's another mom too... she's got this uncanny wit and sense of humor that she brings to her blog (A Guide to Surviving Surprise Parenthood http://survivingsurpriseparenthood.blogspot.ca/).  She makes me laugh out loud.  She takes her baby to the museum and the gym and she manages to get spin classes in every week.  She often has play dates arranged.  She also manages to socialize and travel like a 20-something year old since she still is one.  She's one amazing mom.

Speaking of bloggers... my cousin just won an award for one of the top 10 best mommy blogs in Canada (Curtains Are Open http://curtainsareopen.blogspot.ca/2012/04/what-happens-in-meatlocker.html).  She is a single mom of three kids aged 11-20 who has returned to school full-time.  Need I say more?  She's one amazing mom.

Last week my 18 year old had her prom.  I have wonderfully beautiful mama friends who have stuck it out with me since Kindergarten.  We shared stories and tears last week as we watched our grown up girls with complete pride.  These women have gone through divorces, been single moms, raised the most spectacular kids, had incredible careers, maintained their health, and maintained our friendships.  These women are powerful.  They are amazing moms.

There are so many amazing moms in my life (not to mention my own mom!).  No matter what they are doing, they are so full of love for their kids and an inspiration for me.

When I don't find time for a shower, or I'm too tired to sing songs to my baby, or I can't focus on all the great news my 18 year old is telling me, or I go a whole week without running or walking while pushing the baby in a stroller, or I have frozen pizza for supper (this list is endless)... I don't feel so amazing.  Then I remind myself that my 18  year old is loving, respectful, and considerate and really must have the highest EQ of anyone I know.  And I remember how I raised her on my own (with help from my folks!) for 15 years.  And I am now managing a baby, a teen, a new house, an international move, a beautiful relationship and friendships, while also planning a wedding, and starting a new job... and I'm not going insane!

Then I get my mo-jo back and manage to get a shower.

Seriously though.  Thank-you to all you amazing moms.  You inspire me.

Frog Splat

Have you tried the Bakasana?  Or Crane Pose?  Or, if you're me, you call it the Froggie Pose.  Yes, it's a yoga pose.

Hot yoga class the other night was incredible.  I was on a yoga high for hours afterwards.  I swear, I glowed.  Well, in my head anyway.  I did not fall out of my tree once.  My back bends were deeper than in the past (since my neck issues).  AND.... I did the froggie pose... a.k.a. bakasana.  It's an arm balancing pose, which I had no problem with as a teenager.  But as an adult with two kids, a changing body, and weakening wrists, it's more challenging.

Anyway, I made my way into this arm balancing pose.... the girl on my left struggled and couldn't find her balance... the girl on the right took a rest.  (I know!  No comparing to the others, but that's difficult when they are in your peripheral vision!)  But me?  No, no, no... I got into the pose.  True, I hesitated.  But I was balanced.  I was strong!  I was powerful!  I was not falling.  I could do anything!  Where did all this strength come from?  I'm amazing!  I am woman, hear me ROAR!  SPLAT!  Face plant.... or frog splat.  Yes, even the instructor had to ask if I was OK.

After a twinge of embarrassment, I felt a sense of accomplishment.  Even though I splat.  I splat because I pushed myself past my comfort zone.  And I was better off for it.

I'm taking this to my career search.  I'm talking myself through my fears of leaping into a more challenging role.  When I don't get that second interview, I tell myself it's just a frog splat. It's not about being at the top.... it's about growing to a higher peak... and trying not to frog splat, but when I do, I'll recover and be stronger for it.

In case I am not clear... I'm seriously seeking employment.  I'm being selective.  I have my mind set on a particular experience.  I have written it down.  And I'm working on attracting it.  I feel powerful.  And, yes, I have frog splat days.

Namaste

Feverish Ride

I was patient when we visited Japan last year.  I was pregnant so I couldn't go on any rides at Universal Studios.  We skipped snowboarding/skiing all together because that would just be mean.  When we booked our tickets to New Hampshire, I was pumped!  I could not wait to strap on my board and shred the hill!  (I got that word - shred - from my teen)

Last Saturday, we excitedly left St. John's for Montreal and spent a great night and day exploring the city.  I was itching to get on the hills.  We drove to New Hampshire Sunday evening and arrived in the snowy town of Bartlett surrounded by ski hills in time for a couple of relaxing beer with some family.  I was finally going to be swooshing down the hills after a two year wait the next morning.

Monday morning I woke with a stuffed head.  I was a bit feverish but that wasn't stopping me.  Terry and I would have to take turns on the hill while the other stayed with the babe.  My teen and I were going first!  On with the gear.  To the slopes.  Up the lift.  Ahhhhhhhhh..... the ride.... my board cutting the snow... the wind brushing my face.... plop.

My legs were wobbly.  My head was heavy.  My eyes were watery.  My nose was runny.  I had the chills and the sweats at the same time.  And it made me fall down a few times.  The ride was not what I'd been dreaming about for two years.

I got through the morning.  Yeah.  Got through!  No shredding.  No big exuberant yeehaws.  No squeals of delight.  I was sick.

The next day is a blur.  Relatives took the baby.  Terry and my teen went to the hill.  And I shivered and sweat the day away in bed.

By the third day, I was on the mend.  Terry and my teen were off to the hill while I prepared myself and the baby.  I was dizzy but was doing this.  I made it to the hill.  It was a different hill and the trails were loooooonnnng.  After the first ride, I needed a break!  The second ride was fabulous.  Best ride I had all week.  Another break.  I hit my head on the third ride.  But it was a good one.  After that I was done.  I had no energy and the fever lingered.

That night I lay awake, dizzy with a headache the entire night.  The baby started waking around 4 a.m. and was up for the remainder of the night.  By 8 a.m. I was asleep.  There was no way I was making it to the hill on our final day.  Terry (he was sick too), my teen, the relatives, the friends visiting for a couple of days.... they all went to the hill.  I sulked at home with the baby.

I struggled through the week.  I had to work hard to listen to my body.  I desperately wanted to be on the hills.  After my fever broke and I started feeling better, I was mad at myself for not pushing to get on the hills.  But that was crazy.  I surrendered when I had to.  It was still a great week.  My daughter had a ball.  We saw family.  I met some of Terry's old friends.  We had a great time in Montreal.  I simply got sick and couldn't snowboard for four days straight.

I'm working on what my lesson is with all this.  My desire to get on that hill was so strong and I am so disappointed.  Maybe that's my lesson.  Maybe I'm too attached to my desire to snowboard.  So I'm letting go.....

Namaste

Hot Mama has a Sweet Life

Have you tried hot yoga yet?  I've been talking about doing it for three years.  Last Friday night, my cousin, Aunt, and I sweat every ounce of water out of our bodies while we stretched our minds and muscles as far as they could go... at hot yoga!  Three hot mamas, and hot we were.

This class was probably one of the most rejuvenating classes I've ever attended.  And it was packed!  I was the 59th person of 60 participants.  I have gone to overlapping mat yoga classes before and, frankly, did not enjoy them.  I like my space... I like the mind and soul part of yoga as much as the body part.  However, last Friday night I didn't pay any attention to those around me as sweat dripped onto my mat while my head hung low in downward facing dog (OK let's be honest, who wouldn't notice that really fit woman who could turn her body into a pretzel?).  The room was quiet space anyway.  There was absolutely no talking for 90 minutes during sweat time.  It was purely invigorating.

After class I had an epsom salt bath.  Yes.  That's right, I have an eight month old and went to yoga AND had a bath all in one night!  It was Daddy time:)  As I relaxed my muscles, making sure the epsom salts reached my inflamed neck muscles (always), I closed my eyes and listened to a meditation podcast. I'm not kidding.  I was really taking advantage of hot mama time!  It was the sweet after the sweat.  And I'm also not kidding when I say my face was all shiny and bright and my energy was high even though it was the end of the week.

With all this mind clearing, I could focus again... get stuff done - and I have a huge list for someone that doesn't currently 'work' outside the home.  Interestingly, a yoga pose I have trouble with is one many people have trouble with, often getting nauseous or dizzy when doing it.  In hot yoga class while doing this pose, I, however, lost my hearing!  I have not attempted this pose in years because I injured myself and completely broke down last time I did it.  As my hearing briefly disappeared, I could barely hear the instructor continue to softly talk us through our feelings.... telling us to just be with whatever comes up... don't beat ourselves up... take a break if we need to.... I relaxed and breathed and my hearing returned - only to leave me thinking.... I have to listen more.

That's my lesson.  I have to listen more.  Listen to others.  Listen to my body.  Listen to the universe.  So when my bootcamp instructor challenged us to cut out sugar for a week, I listened.  I never listen to these things..... but I have a bad neck, a muffin top, and weakening knees and reducing sugar could be so good for all these things.  It's time to listen.

You know... life is very sweet without the sugar.

Namaste

Know Your Tell

I just read on Facebook, "If plan A didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.  Stay cool."

I'm on to Plan B (it's actually probably Plan G or H).  For my wedding that is.  Our venue was confirmed but there will be renovations going on at the time of our wedding... so it's now out.  On to plan B to find another venue.  And I'm staying cool.  I feel pretty non-bridezilla actually.  I never thought of myself as a bridezilla type anyway.  The wedding is about the love and commitment we are sharing.  Everyone will have fun no matter where we are.

When I got the news initially, though, my chest constricted, my thoughts started going a mile a minute, and I started with my defenses.   What if I can't find another venue?  What if I have to change the date and some people already have their air tickets booked?  What if I can't afford the next venue?  What if... what if....??  Ahhh.... the what if dilemma!  Worrying about something that isn't yet and probably won't be.  I remember when I read Wayne Dyer's book "Your Erroneous Zones" and felt freed from worry (sort of) when he described all this nonsense about worrying about things that have not happened.  That was a long time ago... so thank-you, Wayne!

What was interesting about all this is my 'tell'.  Yes, I spelled that correctly.  I attended a leadership webinar yesterday, and it was a great review of things.  But I learned something new!  I learned that I do not know my 'tell'.  Your tell is your outward sign of you getting defensive or angry.  Often others see it before you do, and they will know you're angry before you know yourself.  So knowing your tell is pretty critical for having strong, positive relationships... and definitely for leading and managing.  I'm now aware that my chest constricts and my neck tightens.  Surely, I have other tells and I'm now on the lookout.  Planning a wedding is a great way to find them!

Namaste