When the pancake burns

This winter past was crazy full.  I was barely keeping my head above water, although it was all good stuff, and I was happy to have it all in my life.  In my past, this was the norm.  I thrived from the busy-ness. 

Life has changed.

I still have a Type A attitude in me... but it does not work anymore. 

The craze lasted about five months, then my oldest daughter came home after a very difficult internship.  My emotions were certainly triggered during her time away and I was relieved she was home.  For the next few weeks, I tried to tend to her needs as we prepared for her upcoming wedding, after which she moved away again to finish her next degree, and I started to unwind.

I began a program for adrenal fatigue and burn-out (which has haunted me for years) and I stopped eating chips!  I 95% quit caffeine.  I went to bed between 8:30 and 10:00.  My energy slowly began to rise, I lost the pounds I packed on during the winter months, and I felt 'in the flow' again... nearing normal.  Pain is still there (and worsening), but higher energy made it possible to incorporate more physical exercise into my day.  I told my husband it is the least stressed I've felt in a long time.

My business is in a steady state - not growing due to me returning to school full-time in September do complete a Master's of Education in Counselling Psychology.  Yes, I'm pumped!  But I had several events scheduled for May that just landed in my lap.  I was grateful, to say the least.  Life seemed to be working its wonders since last Fall, and I truly felt like I was seeing success after success for the first time in years.  My 40s were a hot mess, as one of my students likes to say, and I was sooo done with that.

Then Monday happened.

My oldest had come for a weekend visit - well, it was really for a wedding dress fitting:)  I decided to make pancakes on Monday morning before she left for her long drive back to school.  My seven year old had to leave for school at 8:30, so breakfast was to take place at 7:30.... I had to be up by 6:45 to get ready. 

I slept in...

It was a rush, but everyone enjoyed the pancakes and many hugs were shared as my seven year old said good-bye to her sister as I walked her to school.  My phone ringer was turned off, but as I was going through the door, I noticed two missed calls from an unknown number.  I thought it was strange for calls that early in the morning, but I figured if they did not leave a voice mail, it was not important.  And I carried on.  When I returned, I poured a decaf coffee and sat to my computer.... it was going for 9:00.

An email.... from the person who had hired me to speak at her organization's conference breakfast.... that morning... at 8:30.

Yes.  I missed a speaking engagement!

Sweet lord.  I have never done this.  I have had to cancel things.  I have had to find substitutes for things.  I have had to decline things.  I have even missed meetings and called in advance to say I would not be there.  But I have never just not shown up for something like this.

I was all a fluster, but I could only imagine how this lady felt when I was not showing up and not answering my phone!   I wanted to fix this for her.

Well, she managed to figure it out on her end.  And I tried to help on my end with some offer... and I began the descent into self blame and shame.

This is where my mindfulness practice came in.  I felt the stress growing.  I could not fix it, and it was all my fault, and I messed it all up, and I felt like a failure, and someone had actually recommended me for this engagement, and I let them down too, and I lost the money, and my reputation will be ruined, and, and, and..... the self-criticism and negative thinking started to spiral.  And then I texted my soul sister.  And she laughed.  And I texted my husband.  And he said I'll be laughing at this in a few days. 

And I smiled.  Not because I messed up.  Not because it was not important.  But because it was done.  And I could not control it.  I still felt compassion for the event organizer, and I offered something to make up for it.  But feeling shitty about it was not fixing it.  So I smiled. 

Then I went to the kitchen and there was a pancake in the pan... which was still turned on.  And it was burnt.  And I laughed.

I'm thrilled that I can laugh at my imperfections again.  I'm a fucking normal human being.

*********************************************************************************

Learn more about the 5-week Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation here: Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation.  Classes begin July 11th!  Register at tina@pomroy.ca.