Why I Started Living Mindfully

Some may consider that mindful living is quiet and calm... making perfect decisions and being happy and content with everything in life... having everything in order and being in full integrity... being there for everyone every time for everything... and never being in conflict with self or others.  Well... it's not about being perfect... at all.

My life is anything but quiet, and chaos surrounds me just as much as anyone else; I do not make perfect decisions all the time - in fact, I mess up a lot; I'm a pretty happy camper, but I definitely experience the whole range of human emotions; I try to 'be there' for all of my friends and family, but the truth is, I am not always; and I definitely do not have everything in order, nor am I never in conflict with myself or others.  However, I have learned how to have a sense of calm in the midst of the noise.  I have learned to accept my imperfections as being human - sometimes it takes a little extra work (laughing at myself helps:).  I have learned that my mistakes make me stronger.  I have learned that, although I don't have it all together all the time, I can still be happy and let things roll.

Five years ago, I sat in a seat across from a bankruptcy counsellor.  My business had failed and I was terribly in debt since I had personally guaranteed many of my business loans.  I had a business partner who was not legally my partner, and he walked free, while I bared the burden of creditors calling and negotiating in order to manage the debt without ruining my daughter's and my lives.

I was a workaholic.  I was a single mom for 15 years and my life was pretty much fully dedicated to being a mom and working.  I had a full-time job with a team of seven, for which I typically punched a 60-70 hour week and traveled about once a month, and I had a business on the side with about six employees and a partner who was only a partner in title and not by law.  

Amazingly, I missed only one of my daughter's events, and she was heavily involved in extracurricular activities.  Somehow I managed to be that mom who did it all (yes, I even was the mom that brought Halloween fruit trays to school and volunteered backstage at dance concerts). I was also that highly engaged employee and business owner.  I sat on numerous committees and boards and somehow also got all of my work done.  If I had a few spare minutes, I worked.  I worked late into the night.  I read and responded to emails from bed before rising.  I was so passionate about my work that I even became involved in a workplace conflict.  It was handled mindfully, but the point is, it happened.  

The moment of knowing something had to change really came when I had some sort of attack and my friend thought it was possible a stroke.  I'd been experiencing heart palpitations and dizziness for months.  My boyfriend thought I was suppressing stress because I never let it show and people perceived me to be calm and together even though I had a load of s**t going on.  I thought I was fine.  I was highly productive and a good mom.  I did yoga and ran and generally took care of my health (it was inconsistent of course).  I knew all about how important the mind is for wellness.  Ha!

A stress test showed that I was physically fine.  But I knew I had to change my life.

I sold my house and paid off almost all of my bills with the profits.  It was bittersweet since buying a house for my daughter was a huge accomplishment for me when it happened.  I'd struggled financially and had to live with my parents in my 30s.  The house was a symbol of being able to provide for my daughter and selling it to pay off business debt seemed like a huge failure.  I had to quickly let go of that attachment if I wanted to progress in life.  I will be forever grateful for my boyfriend, who later became my husband, for his incredible support, and for my Dad, who gave me financial advice that was worth more than any advice I’ve ever received.  He saved me financially.  They both saved me.  Period.  It was a long journey, but it gave me a lot of insight.

Once the house and almost all of its contents were gone (I gave almost everything away), a fresh start was in order.

I packed a few suitcases and hopped on a plane to Singapore.  Well, it wasn’t exactly like that, but off to Singapore to begin a new chapter we went - my daughter, my boyfriend, and me... six suitcases, three laptops, and a guitar (I think you could write a song about that!).

Upon arrival, a whirlwind ensued.  There was school, and transportation, and a place to live, and furniture, and jobs, and crossing the street (they drive on the other side of the road there), and food, and, and, and.... to figure out.  It was super exciting.  It took a month to kinda sorta settle in.  Then I crashed.

For the first time in all those years, I felt like I couldn't think.  I couldn't get off my *arse* to get things done.  I couldn't find a job (I applied for hundreds), and I wondered if I could even be successful in a job.  I began to doubt myself, feel like a failure, and wonder if I had anything to offer to anybody.  I was experiencing culture shock, but it was much more than that. 

I was in 'burn-out'.  

It finally caught up to me.  And I had all the signs... exhaustion, unable to solve problems, unable to be creative, disinterested in things I used to be interested in, withdrawl, and also cynicism.  I was always that person who saw the positive in situations... and now I was that person who was stuck.  

I didn't like it.  I knew better.  I practiced meditation and yoga... how could I be this way?

Well, that's when I began to truly learn about mindfulness.  It took a long time, but I learned to be OK with whatever I am feeling.  Beating myself up for feeling bad made me feel bad for longer.  When I began to accept that I felt like crap, and I took care of myself by resting and reading and taking time to just 'be' and not feel guilty for that (it was sooooooo hard!), I slowly healed.

One thing at a time changed.  It did not happen overnight.  The first thing to take care of, though, was my mind.  I had to stop feeling guilty for not being a workaholic and not having it all together and not being perfect (perceived) and not being there for everyone all the time.  And for the first time in my adult life, I had to depend on someone else to help me get through my days and weeks - my now husband.  (He rocks:)

As a fiercely independent career woman and single mom, I had to completely shift who I was (who I 'thought' I was) into a woman who needed someone else to help with parenting, paying bills, and figuring out how to open a bank account.  It landed heavy and took a long time to shift.  

With mind shifting, though, I have ALMOST figured it out.  I am almost to the point of interdependence.  I now have a 3-year old and a 20-year old, and my husband takes on parenting and taking care of the house, etc. 50%.  It still amazes me.

And one thing at a time changed.  I began to think of my life differently.  I began to choose how I treated the environment differently (although I was not too bad in the past).  I began to cultivate an interest in true health and wellness for myself, my family, and the world around me.  I began to choose to meditate each day, more consistently than in the past.  I began to choose who I spend time with more.  I began to create my own life on my own terms, but with compassion and respect for the people in it... and that is on my own terms because that is what I want.

I still fall down a lot.  I still feel the affects of burn-out four years later!  But I am aware of it.  I see the signs.  And I take the pauses needed to shift my mind.  So that I can live my life in awareness.

I smile at people more.  I interact with people at a deeper level.  I hug more.  I send my love more.  I speak my mind more.  I catch myself in judgement and respect more.  I walk to the beat of my own drum more.  I reach out to people for help more.  And I'm far from perfect.  I also still judge and frown and disconnect and put up walls.  But I become aware of it and shift back to the way I truly want to be.  

Mindful living is not about being perfect.  It is not about not working hard.  It is not about being in mediation all day long.  It is not about being 'pollyanna'.  It is not about growing your own vegetables and cattle and always eating from the earth.  It is not about always feeling in harmony with the world and never experiencing the darkness of life.  It is about being and accepting where you are, having respect for yourself, others, and the world around you, and being aware of and cultivating the true you.  You can still work 60 hours a week.  You can still be super mom.  You can still choose to not have a vegetable garden.  But you are in the moment.  You are living in respect of yourself and others.  Your life may be 'busy', but you choose how to fill it.  Living in respect of yourself and others, then, has the spin-off effect of wellness... often complimented with mindful eating, mindful relationships, mindful conversations, mindful activities... and a whole lotta love <3

As they say in the mindfulness community... it is simple... but not easy.

Namaste

<3